


Death Comes For Us All

by williamherondale



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, references to past abuse, sorry about how bad this is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-11 09:52:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11146014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/williamherondale/pseuds/williamherondale
Summary: It is coming up to the anniversary of the day Andrew was assaulted in ColumbiaThe guilt of it is eating Nicky alive.-----or----Nicky is in a Depressive Episode and blames himself for drake even if he knows logically it's no one but drakes fault and Andrew isn't responsible for his response to his trauma so he's keeping it quiet and is suicidal old habits and all....I'm bad at summarys





	1. Chapter 1

Nicky Hemmick wanted to die. 

Or, well, he wanted to stop existing. That's completely different right? It had been nearly a year since Columbia and a few months since they won the championship. So why did he still feel like _this_? 

He was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how long he could keep up the exhausting act of being _happy_. Surely he should tell the other foxes, right? They were foxes, after all. They could help. They had been there themselves. But was he worth it? Of course he wasn't why would he even think he was worth anything when he - 

"Good morning," Matt said as climbed out of bed, stretching. 

Nicky grunted a reply as he rubbed his face, forcing himself to at least sit up. 

"I see you are a morning person as always," Matt said, stifling a yawn as he went to get a coffee. 

Nicky sighed, gave himself one more minute before plastering on his oh-so-convincing smile. He wanted to go back to bed. He wanted to forget about everything. He wanted his boyfriend. Most of all, he wanted this _feeling_ to stop, to be over, to be gone. Slowly, he got out of bed, pausing as he reached the bedroom door. 

Taking a deep breath, he stepped out and said in the most convincing way possible, "good morning sunshines, how are we on this fine morning?" 

"No," was all Aaron said as he took a sip of coffee, Matt just raised his eyebrows at Nicky. 

Nicky gave a dramatic gasp, "I am wounded by the lack of enthusiasm." 

Aaron glared. 

"You know you are going to have to go back to your own room at some point right?" Aaron said. 

Nicky waved the question away, "I will do." 

Aaron just huffed and went to get ready, with Nicky turning to Matt with an exaggerated hurt expression. 

"Nicky get ready, we are going to be late," Matt said as he finished the last of his coffee. 

Nicky raises his hands in a mock surrender. "Okay okay I'll be ready in a minute." 

Half an hour later, they were at the court getting ready for morning practice. He had been as close to his usual self as he could act when seeing the rest of the team, giving out over exaggerated good mornings, making his jokes, keeping up the mask. Neil humoured him, Andrew gave his usual glare, the girls were polite enough while the new recruits gave the vaguest hello, before they went into the changing rooms. Well, it was the morning after all.

All the while, _I want to die I want to die I want to die_ played a loop in his head. 

He finished getting his gear on and headed out to the court, hoping that this practice would be enough to get rid of these thoughts. Or, at least quieten them for a little bit. 

With a deep breath, he stepped out onto the court ready for practice. 

\--- 

Practice had gone by in a blur for Nicky, who was just grateful it was over. Practice did help to quieten the thoughts for a bit, but now he was in the car back to the tower, they were returning. 

Nicky had only been making vague contributions to the conversation between Matt, Dan, Renee and Allison on the drive back. Now that they had just pulled into the parking lot, Nicky just wanted to get back to his bed. 

They continued their conversation, Nicky not paying any attention to it, as they walked to their rooms, getting ready for the school day. As soon as Nicky got back to his room, he flopped down onto his bed. 

"C'mon man," Matt said as he walked in after Nicky, "we have lessons, you know we can't miss them." 

"I have a free period," Nicky's voice was muffled by the pillow currently pressed against his face. 

"Really?" Matt asked. 

Nicky nodded. "I'll be at my next lesson, my dear Matt. I promise." 

"M'Kay," Matt said doubtfully, sitting down on the edge of Nicky bed. "What's going on?" 

Nicky sighed and rolled over onto his back, "nothing. I promise you I am fine. I just," he waved his hand dismissively, "need a little recharge." 

Matt raised his eyebrows at Nicky, waiting for further explanation. 

"I miss Erik okay? And it's bad today. I promise you I will be at my next lesson. This will not affect anything okay?" Not a complete lie, but not the whole truth either. 

Matt appeared to be convinced. "I'm checking in every 20 minutes and if you are not at your next lesson I will drag you there, okay?" 

Nicky nodded, "okay." 

Matt patted Nicky and got up to leave, pausing at the doorway to ask, "Do you want me to get the twins or Neil or anyone?" 

"No," Nicky said a bit too forcefully. "They don't need to worry about this, honestly Matt I'm okay. I just miss my boyfriend." 

Matt gave Nicky a scrutinising look before saying, "next lesson okay?" 

"Next lesson." 

"Call me if you need anything okay?"

Nicky nodded in response. Matt, seemingly satisfied, closed the door and left for his lesson. Nicky sighed in relief at the fact that he was finally alone. He took off his shoes and pulled the duvet over himself, wondering how long he could keep this up. It had been months, _months_ since drake and Columbia and his parents. So why did he still feel responsible? Why was it his stupid wish to have a family that loved and cared for him the cause of Andrew's suffering. How could he live with himself? The logical answer was: he _couldn't_ so he should just quit while he was ahead, before he caused any more damage, before he lost everything. 

He couldn't do this for much longer, he knew how close he was to the edge, knew what it looked like. He had been here before, after all. He couldn't do this alone. 

With all his willpower and all his energy, Nicky forced himself to do the one thing he knows he should do. 

He called Erik.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look me again with a Terrible Chapter but have fun with it

The line was ringing. 

Why did he call Erik? Of course Erik wouldn't pick up. He knew he shouldn't be bothering - 

"Hello?" Came a voice from the end of the line. 

"Hey," Nicky said quietly. 

"Nicky," Erik said surprised, "I thought we weren't face timing till later?" 

"Yeah," Nicky said. "Am I interrupting?" 

"No no of course not," Erik said, "what's up?" 

Nicky could hear a door closing in the background and wondered how badly he had interrupted Eriks day. He did some mental calculations and guessed it was around 4 in the afternoon for him. Depending how bad his maths was, which admittedly, wast great.

"Are you sure I'm not interrupting?" 

"Honey," Erik said softly. "I always have time for you. Now, what's up?" 

Nicky shrugged even though Erik couldn't see it, "i just miss you." 

"I miss you too," Erik said quietly. "Now tell me what's wrong." 

"Who said anything was wrong?" 

"Your voice did." 

Nicky sighed. "Im not feeling too great is all," he turned to lay on his side, phone resting on his head. 

"Physically or mentally?" 

"Mentally," Nicky said after a pause. 

Erik said nothing for a minute. Nicky wondered if this was it. If this was the moment Erik would realise how terrible Nicky was and how bad he was, finally giving up. Especially after - 

"Nicky, honey, I need to ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me, okay?" Erik said, sounding concerned yet authoritative. 

"Okay," Nicky said, knowing what the question was going to be. 

"Have you been thinking about suicide?" Erik said carefully. 

And there it was. 

His desire for death was staring him in the face now, no longer a secret for him to have kept to himself. Why did he call Erik if he knew he was going to worry him with this? He knew Erik would ask this, knew that once he did, there was no way to avoid the truth. Even if he lied, Erik knew him too well to be fooled. This was the moment that he would have to face facts. 

Nicky Hemmick wanted to kill himself. 

For the second time in his life, his desire for death outweighed his willingness to survive. 

He didn't answer. 

"Nicholas," Erik warned. "I need an answer." 

Nicky rolled back into his back, grabbing his phone before it fell and covered his face with his hands. 

He took a deep breath and put the phone back to his ear. 

"Yes," He said, finally. 

"How bad is it?" 

"Don't worry," Nicky said, attempting to be soothing. 

"How bad is it?" Erik repeated, slightly more forcefully. 

" _Erik_ ," Nicky barked. "I promise you I'm okay. It is bad but i know what to do if it gets too much." 

"Honey I love you very much," Erik said. "And I know you know what to do. But that doesn't mean you actually will. I know you, Nicky. I know you won't keep yourself safe if you don't think you are worth it. Which I know you are thinking now, am I wrong?" 

Nicky didn't answer. 

"I want you to come here."

Nicky paused, "I - I can't. You know I can't." 

"The last time you felt this bad.." Erik said quietly. "I would rather you be safe."

"I _will_ be safe," he said. "Listen, baby, I gotta go to lesson. I shouldn't have worried you with this." 

"Nicholas, I need you to keep yourself safe okay? Can you do that for me?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be okay." Nicky said as convincingly as he could. "I will." 

"Hmm. I don't believe you," Erik said. "Text me every half hour so I know you are safe okay?" 

"I have to go sweetie," Nicky said. "I love you." 

"Nicky-" 

He hung up.


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of day passed in a blur, Nicky went through the motions and kept up his act of mental stability as best as he could, texting Erik every half an hour like he wanted. He went to his next lesson, keeping his promise to Matt, had joked around with Dan, attempted to get a conversation out of Andrew and Aaron, failed, but at least he tried. 

It was now the evening, the foxes back at the tower. Nicky was still in matts room, sitting on the sofa with him watching TV, but he knew he was going to have to leave soon. He knew he couldn't keep asking so much of Matt.

And yet. 

He didn't want to go back to his old room. Didn't want to have to face the reality of what his desire for a family did to Andrew all those months ago. Logically, it wasn't his fault. But it still _felt_ like it was. He knew he should go back and keep pretending everything was okay, but he couldn't bear to face it, not when he knew Andrew was there suffering. 

Knowing that he was being a burden on Matt and making Andrews trauma into something about _himself_ , just made him think of how terrible he was, how he was so selfish, so uncaring, so narcissistic so.. so _expendable_. 

Expendable. 

That was it. 

Nicky felt as if him being _here_ was too much of a weight, too much of a nuisance to other people to bear. He was here, taking up Matt's room, worrying Erik and being one of the causes of Andrews suffering. 

He was the one that could be gone, without causing too much of a fuss. He knew no one would miss him, no one would bat an eye if he was no longer there, probably thankful that he was not there causing any more issues. 

How could he even think his life - his existence - was worth anything compared to this pain he has caused, even if indirectly? 

For now, he could change one of these things, at least. 

"Hey," Nicky said, breaking the silence. "I know I need to leave your room soon. I can go back to mine today." 

"Hey, it's okay man, Matt said, clapping him on his shoulder, "you can stay here for as long as you need." 

Nicky smiled, "thank you. I appreciate it, but you need your room back at _some_ point. Where else are you and Dan going to get some alone time?" He waggled his eyebrows. Matt laughed. 

"Besides," Nicky said, "its not like I'm going far." 

Matt nodded, "true. Why _did_ you leave anyway?" 

Nicky shrugged, "Kevin was getting on my nerves." Partial truth. Kevin _always_ gets on people's nerves. 

Matt nodded knowingly, "makes sense." 

Nicky smiled, "he can be such a pain in the arse sometimes," he said as he stood up, heading to the room to get his stuff. 

"Hey man," Matt said as Nicky reached the bedroom door, "you sure you okay?" 

Nicky put on his best convincing smile, "yeah, I am."

He hoped, he wished, Matt would believe him. Worrying Erik was one thing - Erik had dealt with all this before, worrying anyone else? He didn't want to be any more trouble that he already was. 

"Let me know if you need anything okay?" Matt said, not looking completely convinced. 

Nicky smiled - grateful that Matt was even asking yet hating that he was. "I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading if you got this far!! 
> 
> Again all kudos/comments/helpful tips welcome 
> 
> Next up: Nicky gets a visitor (potentially up tomorrow but we shall see)


	4. Chapter 4

Nicky spent the rest of the evening in his own room, playing video games with Aaron. They has been playing well into the night, Kevin was watching exy games on his laptop, Neil and Andrew had disappeared a couple hours earlier. 

Aaron and Nicky had just finished their game, switching from games to TV when Neil and Andrew walked in from wherever they had been. 

"Hey," Nicky said. 

"Hey," Neil said in reply. Andrew didn't say anything, choosing to make a beeline to his usual seat by the window. 

Aaron got up while stifling a yawn, "I'm going to need to get some sleep eventually."

Neil sat down on the sofa next to Nicky, not replying to Aaron. He wondered if Neil and Aaron would ever get along, wondered if Aaron and Andrew would ever get along. He hoped Andrew and Aaron would. All Nicky had ever wanted was for them be _friends_ at least. They had each other now, whether they liked it or not, but it would be nothing if they couldn't even stand to be in each other's company for prolonged periods of time. Nicky had to tried to help with that, but ultimately failed. 

Aaron was almost at the door when there was a knock. 

Everyone looked at each other, their confusion plain on their faces. Except Andrew, he just looked bored. Even Kevin had torn his gaze away from the exy game, intrigued at what was going on. 

Aaron, being the closest, opened it. 

"Hey, uh," Matt said, "is Nicky here?" 

Who was here for him? Unless.. no. Erik wouldn't be that stupid.

"Sorry Matt," a voice he recognised said, barging his way past both Matt and Aaron. 

Apparently he was that stupid. 

Nicky stares, slowly getting up from the sofa. 

"Erik," he said softly. Erik walked forward and wrapped Nicky in his arms. 

"It's okay," Erik said softly in his ear, "I'm here." 

"You idiot," Nicky said, "why did you come?" He pulled away from Eriks grasp, so he could look at him. His wonderful and beautiful and brilliant boyfriend had just flown all the way from Germany. For _him_

_why would he do that why would he come all the way here for him he wasn't worth -_

"You know why," Erik said, switching from English to German, cupping Nicky's face. "I only have the next couple days off of work, my flight back isn't until Friday night." 

"So you are here for three days," Nicky said. 

_I shouldn't have worried him he's wasting his time here he should be at work he should be -_

Erik nodded. "I'm sorry it's not for longer." 

"You didn't need to come," Nicky said as he buried his face in Eriks chest. 

_he shouldn't have come im not worth it why would Erik waste his time on him why he has other responsibilities other -_

"Yes I did," Erik said, stroking his head. "You know I did." 

"I'm okay," Nicky tightened his grip on Erik. 

_im okay please believe me I'm okay you didn't need to waste your time and energy and money on something as worthless as -_

"You wouldn't come to me," Erik said. 

Nicky pulled back slightly. "That's because there is nothing for you to worry about." 

"Nicholas," Erik said, a warning in his voice. "You should have come to me, we both know you are _miserable_ here." 

"That is not what is happening and you know it," Nicky said quietly, untangling himself from Erik, aware of all the eyes on them. Neil, Andrew, Aaron, Matt and Kevin hadn't moved a muscle since Erik appeared. 

"Can someone translate for me?" Matt whispered. "The facial expressions are useful but context would be nice. I would like to know that Nicky is okay."

No one obliged him, Kevin looked just as confused as Matt. 

"Why are you even staying here? For people who don't act like they give a shit about you?" Erik said impatiently. "Please, tell me, why not put _your_ happiness and _your_ wellbeing first for once?" 

"Erik," Nicky warned. "I've said it before s hundred times. You know I am not leaving them until they no longer need me. When I signed up to be their guardian it was not temporary. Not until they aged out. _Until they no longer needed me._ Even if I wasn't here for them, I am so _so_ close to finishing my degree." 

"What makes you think they even needed you in the first place?" Erik said before slapping a hand over his mouth, looking shocked, as if he couldn't believe that he had just said that. 

Nicky flinched, like he had just been slapped. 

"Well, _Erik_ ," he spat. "If no one _needs_ or _wants_ me, why bother even getting back with me?"

"Nicky I - " 

"You know what?" Nicky said, rubbing his face, "don't. I don't want to hear this right now. I can't deal with this, I can't - "

Nicky turned his back on Erik and stormed out. 

" _Nicky I didn't mean it,"_ he thought he heard Erik yell as he stormed out of the tower and walked as far away as he could. 

\------

 

Neil watched as Erik argued with Matt. 

"Let me get past," Erik said, back in English. "I need to go after him." 

"I don't think that's a wise idea," Matt said, "give him some time. I don't even know what you said to him, but i don't want Nicky feeling any worse than what you've already done."

"You don't _understand_ ," Erik huffed. 

"Then help us," Neil shrugged, Erik whipped round to face him. "Because from where I'm standing it looks like Nicky is pretty upset with you. But what would we know, we clearly don't _care_ enough about him." 

Erik sighed and rubbed his face.

Neil quickly filled in Matt, in response to his raised eyebrows. 

"When did you two break up?" Matt asked. 

"When did you get back together?" Neil asked. 

"I thought you and Nicky had been together since he went to Germany the first time," Aaron chipped in, keeping his gaze on Erik. 

The only indication of Andrews interest in the current situation was his head was slightly cocked to the side, his eye tracking every move Erik made from his perch by the window. 

"We've only broken up once," Erik confessed, collapsing on the sofa as Matt closed the door to the room so they could speak in relative privacy. 

"What happened?" Matt asked, leaning against the door, arms folded across his chest. 

Erik let out a half hearted laugh. "He became guardian of the twins." 

Matt looked confused, "why is that a bad thing?" 

"It wasn't," Neil answered. "I think the issue is Nicky chose them over him." 

"Yes," Erik said. "He chose Andrew and Aaron. He flew back to a place that made him miserable to look after two people who he didn't even know, risking everything he has overcome, all for two people who didn't even care about him. All because he wanted a family. All because he cares so much about you two he put his life on hold for you."

Neil was slowly piecing together what was going on with Nicky, looking back at all his behaviour over the last year. The way Erik mentioned Nicky's want for a family, made Neil realise, this was the centre of the problem. 

"We _do_ care about him," Aaron argued. "He is our _cousin_. And frankly, how can you even say we _don't_ care about him? you don't even know us."

"Six months," Erik said, glaring at Aaron. "For six months we were broken up. Did you even notice? Do you even notice _now_ how _sad_ he is?" 

"He would tell us if he need anything," Aaron countered, appearing to be less sure of himself now. 

"Ah yes," Erik said sarcastically, "go to the cousin who makes homophobic comments, or go to the cousin who tends to have short temper and is constantly armed."

Neil began to wonder if this wasn't the only time they had argued about Nicky choosing family. 

"Actually," Matt said, running a hand through his hair. "He _has_ been acting a little off lately." 

Erik turned his head towards Matt, "off how?" 

"Well he did come and stay with me and Aaron for a couple days, said Kevin was pissing him off." 

"When exactly did he come over?" 

"Uhhh," Matt said. "I think Friday?" 

"I can't have been pissing him off, I was with Thea over the weekend," Kevin said, brows furrowed. "She came down to visit me."

"Could have been pissing him off just by existing," Neil muttered. 

"You're sure it was on Friday?" Erik asked. 

Matt paused. "Yes, it couldn't have been any other day."

"Shit," he muttered. Erik turned to Andrew and Neil. "Have either of you two said anything to him? Anything happened over the last few days?" 

"Why the interest?" Aaron asked, barely keeping the disdain out of his voice. "You still haven't explained fully why you two broke up and then proceeded to get back together without any of us knowing."

" _Nicky wants to kill himself and I'm trying to find out why_ ," Erik bit out, causing Aaron and matts mouths both to hang open. "Nicky can explain all the details about the breakup later if he wants to."

Neil thought back over the past week. He knew Andrew wasn't sleeping as well lately, more nightmares haunting him because it was almost thanksgiving - 

"He feels guilty," Neil announced. 

Erik sighed, "of course he does. I was worried it would be this." Erik stood up, walking towards the door. "Matt, is it? Please let me through I need to go find my boyfriend." 

"Why does he feel guilty?" Matt asked. "And do we even know where he's gone?" 

"Because of me," Andrew said. "He feels guilty about thanksgiving last year doesn't he?" 

"I think so," Erik said, turning to face Andrew. "And I know and he knows it wasn't his fault or anyone but drakes, but if I'm right you two have never spoken about it have you?" 

"There's nothing to talk about," Andrew said, getting out a cigarette.

"Oh yes there is," Erik said. "I am truly sorry for what happened to you, and I know it isn't your responsibility to comfort anyone else when you were the victim, but did you even consider how not even _talking_ to him about it would cause him to dwell on how he put you in that situation?" 

Neil grabbed Andrews sleeve, making sure he didn't leap at Erik, knowing this was a subject Andrew hated just about as much as he hated being called a victim.

"It is not my responsibility to coddle him," Andrew said, keeping a bored expression plastered on his face, "he can leave whenever he wants. No one is keeping him here." 

"And that's the problem isn't it? Not one of you considered how he almost died once because of his want to have a family, knowing that that same need caused your rape, it's eating him alive." 

Andrew raised his eyebrow, just slightly, not saying anything else. 

"It didn't cause it," Neil countered. "And honestly? You need to back the fuck up. Andrew is not responsible for making sure everyone is okay with _his_ trauma. We all care for Nicky, we do, but don't pin this on Andrew." 

"I'm not -," Erik sighed. "English is hard," he muttered, switching back to German. "I'm not saying this right. Nicky loves and cares for you two so much," he gestured to Andrew and Aaron, "that he doesn't want either of you to worry about him. Last year we spoke about it and he cried to me, for three hours, because he hates himself so much for playing any part in Andrews trauma. He knows it is Andrews trauma, not his, knows that he is not, and shouldn't be, the focus of it, but none of you have ever spoken about it. You've all just had this... lingering thing between you. Nicky has wanted to apologise so many times but he didn't want to risk you stabbing him." 

Neil looked to Andrew, trying to guess what he was thinking. He had his unlit cigarette dangling from his fingers while he stared at Erik, head still cocked ever so slightly to the side, eyes squinting as he surveyed Erik. Neil could tell that this revelation didn't come as a shock, but that didn't mean he was prepared to deal with it being thrown in his face. 

For Neil's part, he could see where Erik was coming from. Neil highly doubted that the twins had had any serious conversation in the time they had known each other, less so over Andrews trauma. He knew Andrew hated that people knew about drake and was reluctant to bring up the subject willingly with anyone. But putting Andrew in the blame for not talking to Nicky about it was not right. Andrew was not responsible for how anyone else reacted to his trauma. Whether Nicky felt guilty or not, it wasn't Andrews responsibility to dispels that, when it was Nicky's longing for his parents love that had them all travelling down there in the first place. Neil knew Nicky was just as guilty as he was. Neil asked Andrew to come, but that doesn't mean he has any blame or fault in the matter. Neither knew what would happen. 

"Nicky isn't responsible," Andrew said, breaking the silence. "He is the reason we were there, but that's all he did. Only drake is responsible for the rape." 

"Does Nicky know that?" Erik asked. 

"If he doesn't he's an idiot," Aaron scoffed. 

"I need to find him," Erik said. "Matt please, move out of my way." 

Matt looked confused, Erik realised his mistake and repeated it again in English. 

"We don't even know where he went," Matt argued. 

"I have an idea," Erik said, running a hand through his hair. "Where is the closest park?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a slight headcanon that when Nicky and Erik temporarily broke up when Nicky first moved back to take care of the twins.....
> 
> If you have got this far thank you for readings + as always kudos and comments and helpful tips/advice/comments is always appreciated (literally I like flail about whenever I see I have a comment) 
> 
> Up next: Erik and Nicky attempt to talk things out (may be posted some time over the weekend)


	5. Chapter 5

Nicky was sitting on a swing set when Erik found him. Erik didn't say anything, just sat on the swing next to him, both of them swinging ever so slightly. It was still night, but with the lights around the park it was easy to see each other. 

It was nice being here with him, even without the talking, even with Nicky being hurt by what Erik said, he still brought him comfort just by his presence beside him, it was a reminder that there was someone in this world who cared for him. No matter how many times Nicky questioned that care, doubted and wondered why, Erik stayed. 

"I'm sorry," Erik said after a time. "I didn't mean what I said." 

"Yes you did," Nicky said quietly. "And it's okay, I get it. I know you think I became their guardian because I wanted a family. And I know you aren't exactly _fond_ of the way they treat me. Sometimes I hate it too, but being their guardian was _my_ choice. It may have come from me wanting a family but I did it more for them. They needed someone and no one was willing to even try. I couldn't just leave them." 

"They act like they don't even _like_ you," Erik countered. 

Nicky shrugged. "I can't blame them for that. Those two have been to hell and back in their lives, they have suffered so much. God knows my father played a role in both of their suffering by not helping either of them out of the situations they were in. It was the least I could do to look after them when they had no one left."

"So have you," Erik said quietly. 

"Hmm?" 

"You've also been through hell that doesn't give them the right to treat you like shit. Come on Nicky, I know you. I know you moved in with Matt on your anniversary."

"You're right," Nicky said, carefully avoiding the anniversary. "It doesn't give them a right.It never will. But it does explain it. Neither of them have had someone they can count on who wouldn't end up hurting them. I was probably the first person they have encountered who _hasn't_ directly hurt them. I know I'm not the most perceptive person in the world when it comes to Andrew and Aaron, and I put my foot in my mouth more times than I can count," Nicky laughed and shook his head. "But I know them. I will never regret my decision to come and look after them. They may not have wanted me but they needed someone." 

"But do they even _like_ you," Erik asked. "Do they even _care_ about you?" 

"Doesn't matter," Nicky shook his head. "And that's not even the issue here."

"How well do you even know them? How do you know it is worth you staying here with them if they don't even care about you? Do they even know about your anniversary?" 

"Erik, did you know that when Andrew has a bad dream, one that's really bothering him at least, the next day the only way you can tell is by a small crease in his forehead? Or that the only way you can get a full on flinch out of Aaron is through a door slamming? When Andrew doesn't know how to say something he will tap his fingers twice. When Aaron is annoyed at something his nose flares, just slightly. If either of them are lying their eyebrow twitches up ever so slightly. For Andrew it's his left one, for Aaron it's his right." 

"What's the point in this?" 

"The _point_ is," Nicky said. "That they do not show a lot of things outwardly. These are little tells that I have figured out from them over the years. Lord knows I am nowhere near close to discovering them all and I never will be. I needed Neil to point out that Andrew wasn't a psychopath and I am guilty of misjudging them a lot of the time. He's the one that told me Andrew has a capability to care. If they _do_ care about me, and I hope they do, they wouldn't show it outwardly."

They sat there in silence, rocking back and forth on the swings, taking some comfort in the quiet before they had to discuss the thing that was looming over them. Nicky knew he couldn't put it off, not any more, but it didn't make it any easier. He wished he could go back and change his mind, wished he could go back and tell himself that his family wasn't worth it, wished he could stop himself from calling Erik.

"How did you find me anyway?" Nicky asked, hoping to change the subject before it could even come up. 

Erik shrugged. "You once told me about how your go to place was a swing set when you wanted to be away from your parents." 

"Huh, I forgot I told you that." 

They fell back into silence, continuing the slow swing. The swing set ever so slight creaking as they went forward and back. 

"Nicky," Erik said at last, swinging his leg over the seat, sitting sideways to look at Nicky, with him doing the same, both now being face to face. "Why do you want to kill yourself?" 

"It's.. complicated," Nicky sighed, leaning back on the swing, resting his back against the chain. "And I know it's all illogical, I know that already." 

"Does anyone know about your anniversary?" 

"Can we pretend that never happened? It was _years_ ago." 

"Is your plan still the same? Do you still have a scar running down your arm?"

Nicky looked away, playing with an imaginary piece of lint, "I've been using scar fading cream it's barely there," he mumbled. 

"Then no," Erik said. "We can't pretend it didn't happen." 

They fell back into silence. 

"You feel responsible for Andrews rape don't you?" Erik said quietly. 

Nicky hesitated. "Yes. And I know it's stupid. I know, _I know_. But it was _me_ wanting my parents to love me. _Me_ wanting my parents to be _good_ that had us there in the first place. And do you know the worst part? The worst part is I'm making this about myself. Andrew was _raped_ for crying out loud. He was assaulted and I'm here worrying about how it affects _me_. How selfish is _that?"_

"Oh Nicky," Erik reached out and took his hand, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. "You know it wasn't your fault." 

"Except that in part it was. I may not be to blame but in part it was my fault we were there. I shouldn't even be thinking_ this, it is Andrews trauma, I should be worrying about him instead of my pathetic and stupid emotions. I _cant_ stop worrying about him. I want him to be okay but I don't know what can help. I don't know how to make it right. " 

Erik sighed, taking up nickys other hand and clasped them together. 

"Nicholas," Erik started.

"Oh no that's your serious voice," Nicky groaned. 

Erik chuckled. "Fitting considering what I'm about to say. I want you to listen to me okay?" 

"What if I don't like what I hear?" Nicky asked softly. 

Erik lifted Nickys head, so they were looking at each other in the eyes. "Doesn't matter. Nicky, you are not to blame for what happened to Andrew. The only people at fault is drake, and partially your father for allowing him in the house. Not you for wanting a family. You are allowed to hurt over it. Andrew was assaulted and you have lost your parents. You are allowed to be upset about that, you are allowed to mourn that loss. You are _not_ responsible for it at all. Okay?" 

"If I gave up with my parents a long time ago we would never have been there in the first place," Nicky countered. 

"Andrew doesn't blame you." 

"Maybe he should," Nicky said, a quiet tear rolling down his face. "Maybe both of them should realise that I am useless and will always do the wrong thing. They would be better off without me. You know it and I know it." 

"Nicky if Andrew saw you as a threat to either of them," Erik said, "wouldn't he have killed you by now?" 

Nicky laughed. "True. Clearly I am too beautiful to kill." 

"There's my Nicky," Erik said quietly, leaning forward to kiss him. 

Erik sat back and wiped the tears off of Nicky's face. "This is going to take a long time to sort out, are you ready for that?" 

Nicky shrugged. "Who knows? My brain is a messed up place. I don't know how well facing all of it will be." 

"You will need to talk to Betsy about this too," Erik said. "She will be better at helping than me. Plus she has the benefit of being on the same continent."

Nicky gave a small smile. "I'll set up an appointment with her soon." 

"Promise?" 

He didn't want to. Didn't want to take up anyone else's time with Bee, but knew he had to give Erik something to work with. Knew Erik wouldn't stop worrying if he said no. 

"Promise." 

"Good," Erik got up and kissed the top of Nicky's head. "You know you will also have to talk to Andrew and Aaron as well right?" 

Nicky groaned, "don't make me." 

"I won't," Erik said, kissing his head again. "But they will. Considering they are walking over here now." 

"Traitor," Nicky said, playfully shoving Erik. 

Erik smiled at him. "Do you want me to stay while you talk to them?" 

"Yes please," Nicky grabbed Eriks sleeve and pulled him forward, ready for the twins approach. 

\---

Andrew and Aaron were sitting by a tree, close enough to Nicky and Erik that they could see them sitting but far enough that they couldn't hear what was being said. 

Erik wanted to go alone, but Andrew didn't know if he trusted him enough. Aaron was reluctant to leave Nicky alone, now that he knew that Nicky was suicidal. 

For now, they stayed by the tree and watched, Andrew with a cigarette in his mouth sitting cross legged and Aaron standing, back against the tree. 

Andrew and Aaron hadn't said a word to each other since they left the tower. Neil has convinced Matt to stay and wait for Nicky there, saying this was a _family_ thing. He had also convinced Matt to keep this quiet from the rest of the foxes, letting Nicky tell them when he was ready. 

"Why _didn't_ you talk to us about it?" Aaron asked finally, staring down at Andrew. 

Andrew took a drag of his cigarette. "Nothing to say." 

" _bullshit_ ," Aaron spat. "You were fucking _raped_ and now Nicky wants to fucking kill himself and I _killed_ someone." 

Andrew raises an eyebrow, just slightly. "There was and _is_ nothing to say. No one asked you to kill him and Nicky has wanted to kill himself before. He will get over It." Andrew flicked his fingers in dismissal. 

Aaron grunted in frustration. "You never make things easy do you? Why can't you just be fucking normal and actually _say_ anything about this to us?"

" _my_ trauma, _my_ history," Andrew said, leaning his head on the tree and taking another drag of his cigarette. "I don't owe any of you my history or my traumas. They are _mine_ and mine alone, if I wanted any of you to know I would have told you. Don't turn this on me because you are too fucking stupid to see that." 

Aaron sighed in defeat, sliding down the tree to sit down next to Andrew. 

They sat in silence for a while, neither wanting to say anything, Andrew stubbing out his cigarette and fishing out a new one. Neither knowing _what_ ,to say. Andrew _hated_ that people even knew about one of his rapists. He no longer cared what people thought of him but he hated the pity they looked at him with. The only person he had ever told was Neil. Aaron and Nicky weren't going to change that. If he wanted them to know, they would. As it stands, he doesn't want them to know, doesn't want them to look at him with more pity and concern than they already do. 

They all needed to move on. Andrew was learning how to do that, they all needed to let it go. He didn't need them back tracking his progresses because they wanted him to talk about traumas he wasn't ready to share. It waasn't his responsibility to comfort them about things he no longer cared about. The traumas happened, Andrew was more concerned with getting through each day, focusing on his promises and now he had Neil to deal with as well. There was only so much stupidly he could care about at one time. Andrew would never understand why people would _want_ to know what happened in his life. If he could help it, they wouldn't find out. It wasn't theirs to know. 

"We need to do something to help him," Aaron said, pulling his knees up and resting his arms on them. 

"No we don't." 

" _yes_ we do," Aaron said. "He is our cousin. We can't let him just suffer." 

Andrew waved his hand in dismisal, "there's nothing we can do." 

"Well, _you_ could talk to him. Could talk to _both_ of us." 

"Us two in a room with Bee is cosy enough, do you want to add another?" 

"Erik is right, this is just lingering between all of us, festering. Especially now that it's close to thanksgiving." 

Andrew gave Aaron a bored stare, "again, not my problem." 

"Do you ever- " 

Aaron was interrupted by a phone ringing. Andrew drew out his phone and answered the call. 

_"andrew, are you with Nicky?"_ coach said from the other end of the line. 

"Yes." 

Coach gave a sigh of relief. _"i need you to put him on the line okay?"_

"He's busy at the moment." 

" _Andrew Jospeh Minyard get Nicky on this phone. Now. Or so help me god I will get you to run every marathon I can find."_

"Why do you want to speak to him?" Andrew asked, as he stood up and stubbed out his cigarette, walking toward Erik and Nicky. 

_"just put him on the phone."_

"What's going on?" Aaron asked, pushing himself up and trailing behind Andrew. 

Andrew shrugged and continued walking. 

Nicky was watching them approach, Erik standing behind him. 

Andrew stood in front of them, staring at Nicky, wondering if Nicky would say anything to him. Waiting, waiting, for what he would do. Would he make this interesting? 

All Nicky did was look up at him, eyes slightly red, pity in his eyes. 

"It's for you," Andrew said as he handed the phone to Nicky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm concerned it's OOC but let's just go with it 
> 
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated!!!!
> 
> \+ if anyone feels like helping me improve the next chapters hmu


	6. Chapter 6

Andrew was standing in front of Nicky, just staring. Aaron not far behind. Nicky didn't know what to say to him. Could he act like he was fine and brush it off? How he could even begin to say _im sorry I caused your trauma I'm sorry I'm making this about me I'm sorry I could protect you I'm sorry you've had to deal with such pain and cruelty I'm sorry I'm sorry_

"It's for you," Andrew said, bored expression on his face as he handed Nicky the phone. 

Confused, Nicky took the phone. "Hello?" 

" _Nicky, where have you been?"_ coach said from the other end of the line, concern coating his words. 

"Uh hi coach," Nicky said. "I'm out with Erik and the twins." 

Coach let out a sigh of relief. "I want you to come to my house. Sooner rather than later.

"Why?" 

" _Because I said so."_

"Coach it delights me that you want to be in my presence," Nicky said, adding a dramatic hand gesture even though he couldn't see it. "But I would still like to know why." 

Coach was quiet for a minute. 

"Uh coach? You still there?" 

" _I know about your previous suicide attempt, Nicky."_

Nicky closed his eyes and took in a steadying breath. "Erik told you." 

"Yes. And frankly I'm pissed you didn't tell me before. Nicky, I need to know these things so I can help if you get to this point again. And it is my understanding that you _are_ at this point again."

"Hold on a second coach," Nicky got off the swing and turned to faced Erik, taking the phone away from his ear for a second and switching back to German. "You _told coach_." 

Erik had his hands up in a mock surrender. "In my defence, I thought you already had." 

"Told coach what?" Aaron asked. 

Nicky was seething. "Aaron don't worry, Erik we are _so_ going to talk about this later." 

"You can't be pissed at me. He needed to know." Erik protested. 

Nicky glared at Erik. "We will have this out properly later." He placed the phone back to his ear, taking a calming breath before he completely exploded and returned to English. "Sorry about that coach. So you want to see me, yes?" 

_"Get your arse to mine now, Hemmick."_

"Can this wait till tomorrow?" 

_"Either you come to me or I come and stay in your room tonight. Your choice."_

Nicky sighed. "Fine. I'll be over in about 20 minutes." He hung up before he could hear coachs reply. 

"Nicky what's going on?" Aaron asked again, more forceful this time. Andrew hadn't said anything, just raised a single eyebrow. 

"I _still_ can't believe you told him," Nicky said back to German, ignoring Aaron while he rounded on Erik again. 

"Can you blame me?" 

" _yes_!" Nicky huffed. "I didn't want him to know." 

"It's something he needed to know. Have you told anyone else?" 

"No. Only you and your parents." 

"Hm." 

"Oh, you can't be pissed at me." 

"Oh yes I can." Erik yelled then tried to make his voice quieter. "You didn't even tell your fucking _doctor_!" 

Nicky made a sound that was something like a grunt but with a higher pitch. " _We will talk about this properly later."_ He turned to face the twins. "Can you drive me to coaches house?" 

"Not till you tell us what's going on," Aaron said, crossing his arms across his chest. 

"Later," Nicky said, waving a hand in dismissal. 

Aaron glared at Nicky, refusing to move till he got an answer. 

"Fine I'll walk," Nicky huffed, turning from them and walking away. 

"I'll drive you," Andrew said, stubbing out his cigarette and walking away. 

"Wait, really?" Nicky paused, watching where Andrew was walking still dumbfounded that he had actually offered. Once he realised this wasn't a joke, he sped up to catch up, following Andrew to the car, Aaron and Erik following behind. 

"Thanks," he said as they approached the car. It wasn't parked far away from where they had been. 

Andrew said nothing, while he unlocked the car to get in. Nicky went to get in the back seat. 

"Front," Andrew ordered as he climbed in. 

"Uhhh, okay?" Nicky said as he walked round to get in the passenger side. Erik and Aaron sat in the back seat. 

Andrew started driving to coaches house, they weren't far so it wouldn't take them long. Despite all of Nicky's wanting to get as far away as possible, the park and swing set was only a short drive from the tower. 

Erik leaned forward in his seat, "how long have you been doing that?" 

"Hm?" 

"The leg and hand," Erik said. 

Nicky wasn't aware of how much his leg was bouncing or how much he was playing with his hand. 

"Oh, that," he said dismissively and shrugged. "It's just a thing I do. Don't read too much into it." 

"Mmhm," Erik brought his hand forward and stopped Nicky's leg from shaking. As soon as he stopped one leg bouncing, the other started. "That's what I thought." 

"That proves nothing," Nicky said. 

"Restlessness," Erik said in a sing song voice. Nicky scowled and batted his hand away. 

"Let me bounce my leg in peace." 

Erik huffed and sat back in his seat. 

"So when were you going to tell us that you two broke up?" Aaron said, anger seeping into his words at being ignored and refused answers all night. 

Nicky turned round to look at Erik. "Seriously!?" 

Erik shrugged. "It sort of just slipped out?" 

Nicky sighed and turned to look at Aaron. "I wasn't actually going to tell either of you." He sat back in his seat and rubbed his eyes. 

"Why not?" Aaron demanded. 

"Because you didn't need to know. Besides, it's been sorted." 

"You two were broken up for _six months_! How did we not have a right to know?" 

"Well if you didn't constantly make homophobic comments," Erik muttered. 

"Erik," Nicky warned. "Look, long story short we broke up for a while when I came back to look after you two. And before you say anything, it wasn't _because_ of you two. There were," Nicky waved his hand dismissively while trying to think of the best way to explain this. "Other factors including the guardianship. I didn't tell either of you at the time because you were both getting settled and didn't know me. I wasn't going to start gushing about my relationship problems to two 16 year olds who had just lost their mother. I haven't told you _since_ because there was no point."

"You still should have told us," Aaron muttered. 

"Aaron, honey, there's a lot I don't tell you." 

Erik snorted. Nicky glared at him. Erik raised his hands in a mock surrender. 

Andrew pulled the car into park outside wymack's house. Nicky's leg bouncing starting to increase, now that he was faced with the task at hand. 

"Okay. changed my mind. not going. I'll talk to coach later." 

"Nicky," Erik warned, leaning forward in his seat. "You might as well get it over with." 

"How much did you tell him?" 

"All of it."

Nicky groaned. "I'm still pissed at you," he muttered. 

Erik smiled at him. 

"Stop that." 

"I'm not doing anything," Erik said, still smiling at him.

"I can't be pissed at you if you keep smiling like that, it's too cute." 

Erik laughed. 

The car fell into silence while Nicky debated whether to actually get out. Andrew tapping a finger on the steering wheel, Nicky bouncing his leg, Aaron shifting slightly in his seat. 

Nicky knew he would have to talk to coach eventually about his past suicide attempt. Knew that when people found out about it, they saw him as a risk whenever he spoke about death, saw him as someone to be pitied, someone who was a danger to themselves. He hoped coach wouldn't be like that. 

But Nicky also knew that it was still something he wanted to _do_. He was sick of being alive. Sick of being _here_. His previous attempt just showed how far he was willing to go to get it to _stop_. 

"Nicky," Erik said quietly. 

"All right all right," Nicky sighed. "I'm going." 

He went to open the door but it was locked. He turned to Andrew. "Can you unlock the door please?" 

Andrew stopped his tapping. "It was your fault as much as Neil's but the blame is not yours to carry," he said as he unlocked the door and continued the tapping. 

"Wha -," he was interrupted by Andrew shoving him out the car. Erik joined him a moment later, taking his hand and leading him towards coaches house. 

"Dissect it later," Erik whispered. "Focus on coach first, then worry about Andrew." 

Nicky sighed, squeezing Eriks hands they made their way up to coaches house. 

\--- 

Nicky watched as the lift marked the floors they were on as they made their way up to coaches flat, the soft _tick_ the only sound in the lift. 

_It was your fault as much as Neil's but the blame is not yours to carry._

But what did that _mean_? Could you be at fault and not be the one to be blamed? Logically, yes. he knew it was yes. He was the reason they were at the house, but you couldn't be blamed for other people's actions. 

But it still _felt_ like he should be blamed. He blamed _himself_. 

Erik pulled Nicky closer and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, kissing the side of his head. 

"What are you thinking?" 

Nicky shook his head both in answer and to try and shake the thoughts anyway and turned to give Erik a proper hug. Erik wrapped his arms round Nicky and rubbed his back until they got to the right floor. 

Nicky sighed and pulled away from Erik, tapping his fingers against his side. Erik took his free hand and pulled him out of the lift. When it became obvious Nicky wasn't going to move very quickly, Erik tugged him along and knocked on coaches door. 

Coach answered the door fairly quickly and ushered them inside. 

"Sit," he said pointing to the sofa while he went to get something. 

Nicky shrugged and sat down, pulling Erik down next to him. 

Coach returned a moment later with a bottle of alcohol in hand and three glasses. He put these down on the coffee table and brought his chair round to sit facing Nicky. 

Nicky groaned and fell back against the sofa, knowing coach was going to want to get serious with him tonight. 

Coach raised his eyebrows. "Don't groan. We could have done this years ago but you neglected to tell me about your past suicide attempt. Now don't get me wrong usually I don't give a shit about what you get up to as long as no one gets hurt or caught. But this? This is to do with _your_ safety and _your_ health. We can't help you if we only have a piece of the picture." 

Nicky waved his hand in dismissal. "This was _years_ ago. I thought I had it handled." 

" _Thought_ being the key word." Erik muttered. Nicky slapped his arm. 

Coach took a sip of his drink and leaned back in his chair. "I'm going to ask you two things and that's all I will ask unless you want to bring it up with me any other time. But before I do, I want you to know you have options there's me bee and abbey. We are all here for a reason." 

Nicky nodded warily, unsure how he was going to respond to these inevitable questions. 

Coach stayed silent for a minute, trying to figure out the best way to ask his question. After what seemed like an eternity he asked, "why do you want to kill yourself, Nicky?" 

_Because all I do is cause pain._  
_Because I always do the wrong thing._  
_Because i always say the wrong thing._  
_Because my parents can't stand who I am._  
_Because I can't stand the fact I still want a family._  
_Because I hurt one of the people I care most about in this world._  
_Because I am not smart enough._  
_Because I am not good enough at anything. Not even exy._  
_Because I can't do anything to help the people I want to help._  
_Because I am not good enough._  
_Because I am making Andrews trauma about me._  
_Because I am unlovable._  
_Because I am a waste of space._  
_Because -_

____

Nicky shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

____

"Nicky, I need you to talk to me about this," coach said, concern on his face and lacing his words. "If you want to talk to someone else that's fine, but you need to talk to someone."

____

Nicky shook his head. "Theres not much to say."

____

"Bullshit," coach countered. "There is something making you feel like this and if you let us, we can help you." 

____

Nicky laughed, but it was the opposite to his usual laugh. Where his other laugh was full of warmth and joy, this one was cold and harsh. "Oh coach, if only you knew how wrong you are."

____

"I am not wrong." 

____

"Tell me coach," Nicky didn't event attempt to hide how dead his voice sounded. "What can you or anyone do for me? every thought I have will boil down to 4 simple words: _i am not enough._ "

____

The room went silent with the absolute truth and belief backing Nicky's harsh words. It was a truth they couldn't escape, a truth Nicky so wholeheartedly believed that he was willing to end his life. 

____

"Bulllshit, I dont know what kinda shit your brain is saying, but that is bullshit." Coach said. 

____

"My parents can't stand me because I am gay," he said ticking them off on his fingers, "I'm the reason Andrew was at my parents house with Drake, I have never been able to help the twins be any better, I am not good at exy, I am not good at school. To put it simply: _I am not enough_ and i never will be. There's nothing you can do about that, coach. Its just who I am."

____

Coach and Erik both had matching expressions of sadness and pity on their faces, both unsure what to say. 

____

"Even if you think you aren't enough, that doesn't suicide is the only way to change it." 

____

"Imagine you are standing in a room." 

____

Coach looked confused, but nodded along willing to let this play out.

____

"All around this room are doors. There are big doors, small doors, traditional doors, new doors, gates and everything you can think of. Some doors are wide open, some are ajar. Some are closed and unlocked, others are locked. You with me?" 

____

"There are a lot of doors." 

____

"Right," Nicky said, hoping he was explaining this well. "You are standing there, surrounded by all of these doors, and now you have the choice of which one you go through. Each one is a different option and path, different solutions to anything. Some of these are more obvious, like the doors that are wide open, others you need to seek out and open, like the closed but unlocked and ajar doors. Some, are locked for a reason."

____

"So suicide is the locked one," Coach said Definitively. 

____

"No." Nicky paused grasping for the right words. "Suicide is the door that is ajar and slowly creaking open. Suicide is the door that has a glowing light seeping in every inch the door opens. Suicide is the one that is the prettiest door but also the most menacing. Suicide is the one that is bathing all the other doors in darkness as it opens and let's its light blind you to every other option available. Suicide is the exit, the escape." 

____

Coach considered this. "Can you close the door and lock it?"

____

Nicky shrugged sadly. "I don't know how to find the key."

____

"Nicholas," Erik said quietly, his words betraying the sadness and pity he felt for Nicky in that moment. 

____

Nicky shook his head and stood up, and walked to where the windows were, looking down at the people and houses below. He watched as they walked around and wondered if any of them understood what he was feeling right now, if any of them felt it too, this bone deep ache and sadness and emptiness that took hold of his life oh so many years ago, and never quite left. 

____

"What's question two?" Nicky said, folding his arms across his chest and leaning against the wall, wanting to get this over with. 

____

"What can we do to help?" Coach asked. 

____

"I," Nicky paused, unsure what to say, unsure what he needed. "I don't know. Truly. But for now, I think I just need to sleep." 

____

Coach nodded and stood up, looking as if he understood that this battle was primarily Nicky's. He could support and help, but Nicky was the one that needed to take charge. This wasnt something that could be made instantly better. "You two can stay here tonight, there isn't much room. You know where everything is, help yourselves and no funny business." He left to go to his room, paused once to glance back at Nicky, calculating expression on his face, before disappearing for the night. 

____

"Thank you," Erik said to coach as he left, standing up to join Nicky and wrapping his arms around Nicky's waist. "I love you Nicky," he said as he kissed nickys shoulder. "I'm sorry you feel this way. We beat this once we can do it again." 

____

"I love you too," Nicky said, leaning into Eriks chest. 

____

He wished he could believes Eriks words. Wanted it so much it ached. But the ache for Erik to be right and his desire for death were two warring parts of himself, one was going to loose eventually. 

____

Nicky was no longer sure which one he wanted to win.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha sorry for like the week long wait for this I am Lazy 
> 
> I hope you like it if you got this far + as always comments and kudos and tips are welcome


	7. Chapter 7

The first thing Nicky realised when he woke up was that he was tired. _Still_ he was tired. He noticed that he was laying on the sofa, head in Eriks lap, blanket pulled over him. He noticed Erik playing with his hair with one hand, the other resting on Nicky's tummy. He noticed that coach was awake and in the kitchen. But none of this truly mattered in comparison to how tired he still was. 

At a guess he had been asleep for a good few hours, but he had this bone deep sense of tiredness. No matter how much he slept, how much he did nothing or how much coffee he drank, he was still just tired. There was no other word he could use to describe it. 

"Good morning," Erik muttered to him, still stroking his hair. 

Nicky grunted a response, rolling onto his side and pulling the blanket up further, not wanting to deal with the day. 

"You can't hide under there all day," Erik said softly. 

"I can try," he muttered. 

"Nicky, you awake?" Coach asked, coming into the room. 

"He is," Erik responded, switching to English for coach. 

"No I'm not," Nicky said, voice muffled by the blanket. "Come back in half an hour." 

"Up," Coach said. "You need to figure out when you can go see Bee today. She knows you're coming so don't keep her waiting." 

Nicky pulled the blanket off his head and looked at coach. "No I'm not." 

"Yes you are," Coach said, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of Nicky. "No ifs. No buts. You go or you're benched for the rest of the season." 

"You can't do that!" Nicky protested. 

"Try me," Coach shrugged. 

"Surely going to Bee should be my decision," Nicky argued. 

"Usually, it is. But given the fact that you've been feeling like this for a while, have not used her or anyone, and have a history of suicide attempts, I'm simply… pushing you in the right direction." 

Nicky groaned, switching to German. "Erik tell him I shouldn't do this." 

"You _did_ say you were going to talk to her," Erik countered. 

"But do I have to do it _now_?" 

"If not now, when?" Erik asked. "I know you Nicky, you will put this off for as long as you can. Start it sooner, the rest will be easier." 

Nicky new they were right. He _should_ talk to bee. He _should_ sort this out. But there was still this nagging voice saying that he was not worth it. Saying he was wasting her time and taking up someone else's time. He knew it was his brain trying to maintain the depression, knew that everyone would say that she is there for exactly this, but he couldn't figure out a way to make it worthwhile. He should go to her. He should fix this. He should try to believe there was a point in being alive. 

Should was a terrible word. 

"Wait," Nicky said, sitting up, back in English. "Don't we have practice?" 

"They do, you don't," Coach got up, getting what he needed for the day. 

"Why not me?" 

"I told you, see Bee or your benched for the rest of the season. Get her to tell me that you've seen her and you will back on court tomorrow." 

"Coach, this isn't physical. I'm fine to play." 

"Mental health is just as important as physical health. Take the time to recover before you get back on the court. For now, it's just today. If you don't see Bee, it will be longer." 

"But what will you tell the others?" Nicky asked, trying to keep the worry from his voice. 

"That you are spending the day with your boyfriend while he's down for his surprise visit. He's bribed me with alcohol and charm to let you off for the day," Coach deadpanned. 

Nicky snorted. "Kevin's going to say that's a stupid excuse." 

"Doesn't matter. Do what you need to do," Coach gathered up the last of his things and headed to the door. "You know where everything is, help yourself, and don't keep Bee waiting. She's free all day." He walked out leaving Erik and Nicky alone. 

Nicky sighed and collapsed back on the sofa, pulling the blanket back over himself. 

"Nicky," Erik murmured, pulling it down slightly. "You know he's right." 

He did know, but that didn't make it any easier. How could he explain this to anyone? How could he waste Bees time like this? He wanted to go on and pretend this had never come out, back to when he could go through the day pretending everything was fine. If he pretended long enough it might even become a reality. 

But Nicky also knew his was a battle he needed help with. Last time, he had Erik to point him in the right direction, giving him the tools he needed to help himself. This time, he would need to use Bee as well. He knew he needed her help, had known it for a while now, but he couldn't make himself go. Couldn't admit to himself that he was no longer _fine._ He _was_ fine. He _is_ fine. 

Nicky tried to refrain from snorting. Now he was starting to sound like Neil. 

Erik pushed himself off the sofa, found his bag before he faced Nicky again and pulled the blanket off of him. 

"Hey!" Nicky exclaimed. "That was warm." 

Erik held out his hand to Nicky, "come on." 

"You know I've literally just woken up, I still need my beauty rest," he attempted to pick up the blanket but Erik batted his hand away. 

"Come on, up," Erik said, still holding out his hand. 

Nicky eyed it skeptically before placing his hand in Eriks, "why do I need to get up. At least bring me coffee." 

Erik pulled him to his feet and placed a kiss on his lips, "because we need to have breakfast. First get dressed and then we go." 

"But _where_? It is too early for this."

Erik hummed, guiding Nicky to the bathroom and handed him some clean clothes. "Be ready in 10 minutes." 

Nicky had a sneaking suspicion this was Eriks way of getting him to Bee, but he did as he was told. He was glad Erik was here. He had a way of making this seem as simple as getting breakfast. 

20 minutes later they were walking, hand in hand, down the road towards the uni. 

"I know what you are doing," Nicky said. 

"Whatever do you mean," Erik attempted to look very innocent. 

"I know we are going to Bee now," Nicky said as he lightly bashed his shoulder into Erik’s. "We don't have to go now." He said quietly. 

Erik stopped walking and pulled Nicky in front of him. 

"You need to do this, the sooner the better, otherwise you will be worrying about it all day. At least this way it will be over. Like ripping off a plaster. Besides," Erik said as he continued walking. "We _are_ having breakfast first. I'm starving." 

\--- 

They had breakfast. They had spent the last hour eating breakfast and talking like nothing was wrong. It was good to have Erik here, good to at least pretend nothing was wrong. When they ran out of nonsense topics they took comfort in each other's mere presence. Nicky wished it had lasted longer, he wasn't ready to deal with Bee, wasn't ready to deal with any of this more than he's already had to. He knew this was the logical next step and yet... 

And yet he couldn't help feeling that this would be the worst mistake he had ever made. 

But how could this be the worst one when one _stupid_ decision was the cause of Andrews pain? That was the worst decision he had made. He wondered what Andrew would think, of him being here, needing this help when he hadn't even come close to experiencing what Andrew had? Was he this _weak?_

He knew Erik would say that you can't compare one person's suffering to another, each person has a different set of circumstances and a different capacity to cope with those. There would always be people in a worse situation, but knowing that didn't take away the pain and suffering of your situation. 

They were in the waiting room now, Nicky having been told to wait while Bee was notified he was here. Erik was sitting next to him, holding his hand, lightly rubbing it with his thumb. Nicky couldn't get his leg to stop shaking, it was either his leg or he would start pacing. 

"I can't do this," he choked. "Nope. I'm going." 

He made to stand but Erik pulled him back into his seat. "Nicholas," Erik said, using his serious voice. Nicky was starting to hate that voice.

Nicky whimpered. "I can't." 

Erik turned to look at him face on, "yes you can. Do you want me to come in with you?" 

Nicky shook his head. "I know I need to do this on my own but -" 

"Nicky," Erik lightly tugged his arm. "You've been here before. You can get out again." 

"But what if it's not worth it?" He said so quietly he wasn't even sure Erik heard, but watching the sadness overtake his eyes was enough to say he did. 

"Nicky -" 

"Nicky?" Bees voice called from behind him. 

Well, at least he didn't have to deal with Erik right now. Bee was better than The sadness in Erik's face. It was one or the other, neither one that he wanted to deal with. But he made a decision. 

Nicky got up, "I love you," he muttered to Erik, kissing his cheek before turning and following Bee in. 

\-- 

"Hot chocolate?" Bee asked, getting up from her desk. 

Nicky didn't respond, keeping his eyes anywhere but at her. Looking at her meant facing the reality of the situation. And that terrified him. He was sitting in the chair in front of her desk, knowing she was going to ask him eventually, knowing he had to face it _now_. His leg was still shaking, he couldn't get it to stop. Why couldn't it just _stop_? 

Bee returned with two mugs in hand, gave one to Nicky who accepted it with a quiet thank you, and sat back down in her seat. 

"What's making you anxious?" 

_Everything._

Nicky shrugged. "Probably just being here." He stood up, walked to the window, mug still in hand. There was a silence descending on the room and Nicky felt the need to break it. "From here I can see the rest of the campus. I wonder how many people are skipping class right now. You know, there's this one kid in my class, barely ever see. Sometimes they come in, late usually. But one time he was leaving in the middle of a lesson while the teacher had their back turned. But half way to the door, they realised they left their hat. But they made a dash for it, and made it out before the teacher even turned around." He chuckled. "That was hilarious. He's known as hat boy."

"It sounds it," Bee said, Nicky didn't need to turn to know she had a small smile on her face. He knew she would let him ramble away like this for however long he needed to. 

Neither of them said anything for a while. What was really a few minutes felt like years. 

"Aren't you going to ask me?" Nicky said, finally turning to face her. 

The thing about Bee was that she didn't _look_ scary. That wasn't what made her scary. It was the way she looked at you with knowing. It was her entire _purpose_ that was scary. Here Bee was, the one who was meant to help Nicky navigate the mess that was his mind, helping him learn how to live again. Here she was, sitting at her desk, eyes on Nicky a cup of hot chocolate cupped between her hands. Here she was, the reality of it all. She represented everything that Nicky wanted to avoid. She was the darkness in his mind, but also the possibility of the light shining on that darkness. She was the one who could look at him, listen to him, and respond with one of two things: 

1\. _this is something I can help you with. You can overcome this, with some help finding the right tools we can help you want to live again._

2\. _you are being overdramatic and stupid. Get over yourself._

"Ask you what?" She said in a calm voice. 

Nicky shrugged and came to sit back down again, "why I want to kill myself. I'm sure Coach told you I want to." 

"Yes, he did," Bee confirmed. "But this session is for _you_. If you want to talk about it now, and we will at some point, you can. But if you are not ready to, we can focus on something else." 

"You are seriously not going to ask me?" 

"It is concerning that you want to commit suicide," Bee explained. "But in my experience that is only one of the factors influencing how you are feeling. It is an important one yes, but also a difficult one to tackle in a single first session. What would you prefer?" 

"I don't know," Nicky confessed, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. It was good hot chocolate. He didn't know how to answer, didn't know if he should even say it out loud and make it real. But in a room where he was facing reality, the truth was necessary. "I just want..... I want it to _stop_. This.. this.. _feeling._ " he could hear the disgust dripping off of that word. _Feeling_. This was all he felt. The want, the need, to kill himself consuming every part of him, every moment of every day. _Feeling_ didn't seem like a strong enough word to describe the all encompassing effect it had. It had pulled him into darkness and stuck to him like tar, no matter what he did he couldn't shake it off. 

"There is one thing I do need to ask," Bee said softly. "Do you have a plan?" 

"No," he lied. 

Bee nodded. "How would you like to use this session?" 

"Well, Coach said I can't play again till I get the okay from you, so what do I need to do for that." 

"Make a plan," Bee said as if it was the simplest thing. As if this was no more than a diversion. "Together we can work out a way to deal with and manage your depression and suicidal thoughts in a healthy way." 

"Oh no," Nicky moaned. "Are we going to be doing cognitive circles and thought journals?" 

"They are one of many techniques that we can try, yes," Bee said. "But we can find the ones that suit you best."

"What does the plan involve?" 

"Once a week you will have a session with me, between then you will use the techniques to combat your mood." 

"So we are using CBT?" Nicky asked. 

"As a starting point yes," Bee confirmed. "Find out what day is best for you and we will go from there. For now, the rest of the session is over to you. Talk to me about what's going on in your head." 

Nicky paused, unsure what to do. He looked around the room, looked at every pristine figurine on her shelves, looked to every corner of her room. She said she could help and he had to trust that she could. She has her own OCD under control as far as he could tell. Andrew of all people trusts her, which tells Nicky she is safe. But what if Nicky tells her what's going on in his head and she can't help? What if he really is over exaggerating? What if he can't be helped? What if he did deserve to feel like this? 

What if? 

God, he hated those words. 

They were always running circles in his mind, bringing about every possible outcome of every scenario. _What ifs_ became less scary when you had already seen the worst the world had to offer. And yet, they plagued his every thought, makimg him think if every possible scenario. The _what ifs_ may have become less scary, but the reality was as unpredictable and frightening as always.

No. 

He wasn't going to let this destroy him. Not again. He knew how low he could go, knew he was walking a dangerous path down to that place again. He was falling deeper and deeper. He _had_ fallen. This time he didn't know if there was going to be a way out. He was stuck, lying in this pit of darkness and despair, unsure how to get back up. 

Yet here Bee was, terrifying Bee, holding out a hand to him, offering him a way out. All he had to do was take hold. She would help pull him to his feet, help him stand till he could on his own, help him find the steps out of this hole. She was there, and so was Erik, both willing to help him stand again. 

This is the way he found the key. This is the way he could see every other option, every other door that he can't see right now against the light seeping out of suicides open door. This is how he _closed_ that door. 

Bee was the one, holding her hand out, offering a way out, offering a key, offering a helping hand in pushing suicide off thetable. Here she was, standing next to him in his hole while he was on the floor, unsure how to get up again, unsure how to live. 

He took her hand and began to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait for the chapter!!! As always likes and comments are v much appreciated ☺️☺️ 
> 
> Also also i need someone to proof read before I post so if you're interested hmu


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: these next few chapters are going to be a Dark I'm going to try and make it as less triggering as possible but pls be warned and know there are always options if u feel the same way

Erik was waiting for Nicky when he walked out of Bees office an hour or so later. Nicky dreaded the conversation they needed to have, but Erik took one look at him, kissed his head, wrapped his arm around his shoulders and lead them out of the medical centre. They spent the rest of the day enjoying each other's company and ignoring the looming reality of Nicky's depression. Nicky was content with this, he didn't want to talk about it again so soon after talking to Bee, just being with Erik was all he wanted right now. Especially with Erik not having long left of his stay. 

It wasn't until they got back to the tower that things started to go down hill. 

As soon as Erik and Nicky stepped out of the lift they were met with an angry Aaron. 

"Well?" Aaron practically spat. 

"Well what?" Nicky said, raising his eyebrows. 

" _Now_ will you let us know what the fuck is going on?" 

"I was under the impression i was spending time with my boyfriend," Nicky said, leaning into Erik as he did so. 

Aaron glared. 

Erik shrugged. 

Nicky sighed. "All right. All right. I guess we have to do this. Is Andrew in there?" He gestured to his room as he searched for his keys. 

Aaron shrugged, "I don't keep track of him." 

Nicky let out a dramatic sigh. "I'm only going to do this once, so you both better be here." 

As the door swung open he was greeted with the sight of Neil and Kevin watching exy games with Andrew smoking by the window. "Oh good," Nicky said. "Kevin, Neil," he walked over to them, turning off the tv, only to be treated by a string of protests. "You know I both love you dearly," he added a hand on his chest for emphasis, "but get out."

"Why the hell are we leaving?" Kevin demanded. 

Neil looked to Andrew, eyebrows raised. Andrew shrugged in response. 

"Me and the twins need to talk," Nicky said. "So shoo. You can have your beloved exy re runs back soon I promise. This won't take long." 

"But -" Kevin started, but Nicky pulled him to his feet and guided him to the door. 

"Neil? You leaving yet?" Nicky turned round and sighed, Neil hadn't moved. He was going to make this more difficult. 

Neil glanced at Andrew again, who only flicked his fingers. Neil shrugged, got up and left with Kevin, shutting the door as they left. 

"Okay," Nicky said, glancing at Erik, who nodded in support. "You wanted to know what was going on yeah? Well now is the time to explain. Come here," he gestured to the sofa. 

Andrew, somewhat reluctantly, stubbed out his cigarette and joined Aaron on the sofa. Nicky grabbed one of the bean bag chairs, positioned it in front of the twins and sat on that. Erik stayed standing against the wall, as if he was keeping an eye on everything. 

Aaron, Andrew and Nicky all just stared at each other, no one knowing where to start or even /how/ to start. 

Nicky let out a nervous laugh. "We've never done this before have we?" 

The twins stared at him, matching looks on both of their faces. Nicky had to restrain another laugh. 

Nicky took in a deep breath, rubbing his hands on his legs. "Okay. As you two have heard. I... am not in the best mental state." 

"You want to die," Aaron said bluntly. 

"Well," Nicky said. "It's complicated." 

"Then un complicate it," Andrew said, bored expression still on his face. 

"Yes," Nicky said after a time, deflating as he did so. "Aaron you are right. I do. Neither of you need to worry about it, I can deal with it myself." 

Erik snorted. Nicky turned and glared. 

"Tell us about the last time you attempted," Andrew said. 

Nicky stilled ever so slightly. 

"You've attempted _before_?" Aaron demanded. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Nicky waved it away. "It was a long time ago. How did you even know?"

"Erik said you had already almost died once from your want for a family," Andrew said. 

Nicky turned to Erik. "Is there _anything_ you didn't say?" 

Erik shrugged. "I didn't know he was going to figure it out." 

Nicky sighed and turned back to the twins. "Look. It was no big deal. It happened after I got to Germany. You don't need to know the details." 

"Nicky. You've already tried _to kill yourself._ I think we need details," Aaron said. 

Nicky stayed silent for a moment, debating how much to tell them. He didn't want them to know how stupid he felt, even now, for that attempt. How some days he still mourned the fact it didn't work. He didn't want them to know how he has sat in a bath filled with water, watching it change from clear to red as he waited to die. He didn't want them to know that even then he felt nothing. Even then, all he felt was numb. He had hoped he would at least feel sad or regret or anything other than a mere disinterest in what was happening. The closest he got was a ever so small flicker of relief at the possibility that this could work. He didn't feel the regret when Erik found him, didn't feel any concern or worry or grief that the man he loved would have been the one to find him dead if he had come a few minutes later. "All you need to know is that I tried, it didn't work. And we are back here again. I will be fine." 

Aaron didn't look convinced. Andrew still looked bored. 

"Is there anything you want to ask me?" Nicky asked. 

"Have you stopped blaming yourself?" Andrew asked, although it sounded more like a statement. 

Nicky didn't answer, reconsidered and said "you said we would talk later. That never happened." 

Andrew stood up, grabbing his packet of cigarettes. "I don't owe you my history and I don't like repeating myself," is all he said before leaving the room. 

"It's not your fault," Aaron said quietly. 

"But it is," Nicky said. "I _am_ the reason we were there. Andrew didn't even want to go. If I just listened. If I had just realised there was more to it than Andrew being bored. If I had just - " he sighed. 

"None of us knew," Aaron whispered. "How were we supposed to?" 

"I should have - " 

"Stop it," Erik said, pushing away from the wall and taking up Andrews now empty seat. "You couldn't control what happened. You cant do anything to change it now. What's done is done all that's left is to deal with the fall out." 

"Except he won't let us help," Aaron pointed out. "He won't even _talk_ to us."

Erik shrugged. "I can't speak for Andrew. But I know you two have your own issues you need to sort out. The best thing you can do now is accept that it has happened, accept what role you played and learn to move on from it." 

"Do you have to leave tomorrow?" Nicky said quietly. 

Erik opened his mouth to say something but Nicky stopped him. 

"Wait. Don't say anything. You have a job to go back to, you can't stay here forever. I love that you came to see me but I am sorry I worried you." 

"I'm still worried." 

Nicky got up from his chair, momentarily stumbled then righted himself. He walked to the TV and started sorting out DVDs. "Let's watch a film!" He said with too much cheer. "This is getting far too doom and gloomy. I've had enough of that for today." 

The rest of the night was spent watching as many films as they could fit in. Aaron left during the first one to meet up with Katlyn. Nicky and Erik spread out over the sofa and watched for as long as they could keep their eyes open for. 

\--

The next day, Nicky didn't want to get out of bed. Well, sofa technically. Him and Erik had fallen asleep on the sofa sometime during the third film. Erik was already awake, sitting up but he still had his eyes closed. 

He knew Erik had to leave today, knew he couldn't be away from his job any longer. but he couldn't help wishing Erik could stay. 

Nicky shifted so he was on his side, head in Eriks lap, Erik didn't open his eyes but he moved his hand and stroked Nicky's back. 

"Morning," Nicky said quietly. "What time is it?" 

"Early," Erik replied. "You don't have training for another hour or so." 

"Do I have to go? _Can_ I even go?"

"Yes," he said. "Coach texted earlier saying you were cleared to go back." 

"Hmm," Nicky said. In truth, he would rather avoid his team mates. He wasn't sure how much coach had told them, or how much the others knew but he didn't want to find out. Them knowing about _this_ was something he wanted to avoid. He was a fox, there was a reason for that, but he still wanted to keep it hidden, keep it to himself. He knew it was stupid but it always made him feel _weak._

"Nicky," Erik said softly, still stroking his back. "I need to ask you something." 

"Mm," Nicky said. "Depends what it is." 

Erik paused for a moment, Nicky knew what he was going to ask and knew this was Erik trying to not destroy the good morning. 

"What did you mean when you said it wasn't worth it?" 

Nicky sighed and rolled onto his back. 

"I don't know how to explain it," he said, truthfully. 

Erik stayed silent, waiting. 

"It's like," Nicky started and then paused, trying to find the best way to explain this. "I don't want to be taking up anyone else's time. If there was a list of what people's lives we're worth I would place mine at the bottom. I don't know if it is worth fixing this if my _life_ isn't worth it. What if I'm just destined to feel like this all my life? What if this is what I _deserve_? I've had my parents tell me how wrong I am and sometimes I can't help but think they are right." 

Erik took Nicky's hand in his and kissed it before leaving both their hands on Nicky's stomach. 

"What do you want to come from all of this? Moving forward now, what do you want?" 

"I want - " 

_To stop feeling._   
_For it to end._   
_To go back in time and make things right._   
_To stop being a burden._

"I want to stop feeling like this," Nicky whispered. 

"Do you want to live?" 

"I want to want to live," Nicky said after a time. And it was the truth, he wanted to stop feeling like this, he knew he should aim for survival, but at the moment... he didn't have it in him to care whether he lived or died. 

"Hmm," Erik said. 

"Oh no. That doesn't sound good." 

"Promise me something?" 

"Depends." 

"Promise me you will try. I know how terrifying this all is, I know you want to give up. I know how tempting it is. But I promise you it is worth it if you hold on. You've gotten out of this once before, you can do it again." Erik bent down and kissed his forehead. "I love you." 

Nicky didn't know how to tell Erik that suicide was not only tempting, it was seeming like his only option. For now, the door was ajar, light seeping out and blurring the other doors, blocking out the other options. For now, he could see the other options, the other doors. If he squinted, sure. But they were there. Suicide was the most beckoning, the one with the most promise, the most rewards, but it wasn't the _only_ one. For now, he could try. He could try to see the other options, could try to close that door. He couldn't bear to tell Erik that no matter how hard he tried the light was getting brighter and brighter. He didn't know if /trying/ would lead anywhere, but it was something he could give Erik at least. 

 

"I promise," Nicky said at last, not wanting to worry Erik any more. "I love you too." He kissed Erik's hand. 

They stayed like that for a little while longer, before Nicky had to get to practice. They spent the rest of the day between practice and seeing as much of each other as possible before Eriks evening flight. Nicky wasn't sure how he would be able to let Erik go, but he knew he had to, knew Erik had work to get to and responsibilities. Nicky didn't want to burden Erik any more than he already had, so he memorised every detail of their time together, watching as Erik walked to board his plane, hoping it would last till they saw each other in person again. 

\--- 

Today was the day. 

One year ago, Andrew was raped. Again. 

One year ago, Aaron killed someone. 

One year ago, Nicky lost the last bit of hope he had. 

Nicky and the other foxes were lounging on the sofas at the court, waiting for coach. 

Neil and Andrew were off to the side, quietly talking. Neil with a small smile on his face, Andrew with a bored expression. 

Nicky wanted to talk to Andrew, wanted to see if he was doing okay, but also knew that it could make things worse. He had asked Aaron earlier how he was, only to be met with a death glare. The other foxes hadn't said anything, but some kept shooting worried glances towards Andrew, fearing that he might explode at any point. 

"Hey man," Matt said as he came and sat down next to him. 

Nicky smiled at him, "Hey. How are you?"

"I'm good," Matt said, a grin on his face that seemed more mask. "Listen," he said keeping his voice low, "I wanted to ask you, but I haven't seen you a lot lately. You doing okay?" 

Nicky felt a pang of guilt at the worry that was lacing matts eyes. 

For a second Nicky saw the doors in his mind, one creaking open further with every worried glance Matt was sending his way. 

Keeping on that smile, never wavering, he said, "yeah I'm okay. I spoke to Erik and we've sorted it." 

"You sure?" Matts face was filled with worry. For _him_.

_Please don't waste your energy worrying about me._

"Yeah," he said as convincingly as possible. 

Matt nodded, seemingly satisfied. He pat Nicky's shoulder as he got up. "Let me know if you need anything yeah?" 

Nicky nodded and tried to stop the guilt from swallowing him whole. 

Matt seemed pleased with the answer, patted him once on the shoulder and went back to talking about anything else. 

All conversations grounded to a halt with a loud _"No."_

They all turned, half stunned by the loud declaration, only turning to see Neil and Andrew, still talking quietly, still off to the side. The only difference now was Neil's hands were classed behind his back, as far away from Andrew they could get. 

_Oh._

The realisation of _why_ this was needed hit Nicky at full force. Renee had a knowing look, the others were one step away from realising the full implication of that _no._ Nicky watched as the realisation struck them, their faces going from confusion to understanding to sadness. 

_This is your fault._

Nicky closed his eyes and tried to silence this voice inside him, this voice that he believed to be right. 

_If it wasn't for you he wouldn't have been there. This is your fault._

Nicky pushed these thoughts aside, he couldn't focus on this right now. These thoughts were baralling into him at full force, pushing the door in his mind further open. He had tried to close it, tried to take suicide off the table, but here it was back again. He had tried - that was all he had promised Erik" that was all he could handle.

_Your fault. Your fault. Your fault._

The door opened further, light seeping in and blinding him to any other possibility. 

_How can you live with yourself knowing this is what happens when you want something?_

Nicky put on his mask, placed his smile and jokes firmly back into place. His team mates couldn't know. Matt was worried enough as it was, he didn't need to know about this. Dan had the other foxes to worry about, Allison he wasn't even sure really even _liked_ him. 

What was he thinking. 

_Of course_ they didn't like them. How could they? 

_This is your fault. Your fault. Your fault._

_Shut up_ he tried to tell himself. It didn't work. 

_All I do is cause pain. I can't help, it was just the way I was made. I never do anything right, what's the point In even trying if I know it's going to fail. I was made wrong. Even my parents can't love me how I am. Despite everything I still want their love._

_Why can't they love me?_

Nicky crushed these thoughts, trying to push them back as far as they could go. But once the first one had leaked through the dam had broken, flooding his mind. 

There was only one option. One thing he could do to make this right. 

Nicky stood in a room of doors, looking at every one in turn. These were all his options. This was every choice he could make. 

Expect there was only one he could take. Only one that would matter. 

He tried to find the other doors, looked and looked and looked but no matter how hard he searched, those doors were hidden. He turned to the door that was now wide open, light flooding in. 

He knew what he had to do. 

Knew with a certainty this was how to make it right, how to make sure People weren't hurt because of him again. 

_Promise me you will try._

Nicky, focusing back on the room looked at the foxes faces In turn. 

Matt with his easy smile. 

Dan with a spine made of steel. 

Renee with warmth and kindness radiating from her. 

Allison with her fierceness. 

Kevin with his passion. (Even if it was exy.) 

Neil with his defiance and smart mouth. 

Aaron with his willingness to try. His willingness to try and become something /better./ he was learning, slowly, but learning. 

And Andrew. Andrew with his bored expression. 

Except Nicky knew that wasn't even the half of it. 

Andrew with his protectiveness. Andrew with his love for Neil. Andrew and his learning to feel again. 

Andrew and his trauma. Andrew and his pain. 

Pain and trauma that Nicky added on to. 

He was back in the room of doors. He thought of the foxes as he looked at his options. Knowing already that no matter how much he looked at them and cared for them, it would be better if he wasn't here. He knew they wouldn't notice much if he was gone, wouldn't mourn him. They would be glad he was gone. 

In that moment he envied all of the foxes resilience and ability to keep going. He wished, wished and hoped and prayed, but he couldn't find that in himself. 

Nicky took a deep breath, and faced the door that was beckoning him forward. The door that would lead to the best outcome. For everyone around him. 

It was time to put his plan into motion. 

Nicky stepped up to the door, hand out ready to push the final bit open. 

He paused, trying to fight this, trying to convince himself that he was wrong. _Was this really the only option?_

_yes._

The answer came too quick. He didn't know if he could fight this any more. 

He was _tired._ he wanted this to be over. Wanted to stop being the cause of other people's pain. Wanted to stop being such a burden. 

He wanted it to end. 

Nicky hemmick wanted to die. 

A year ago today he lost his last bit of hope. 

Today he vowed to remove the poison that was himself. Today he found comfort in the knowledge that this would be over soon. 

Today he would make amends. 

With a final glance at the other doors, he considered every other possibility. But all he saw was a blinding light. 

And with that, Nicky stepped through the door towards the only option he had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for how long ive taken to update I had the fun thing of moving to sort out 
> 
> I'm hoping to have the next chapter up soon and I apologise bc I know this chapter isn't my best 
> 
> As always kudos and comments on how to do better are always appreciated


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicide-y stuff will be shown in this chapter and the next one I'm trying to limit it but I domt know how well I can do that and talk about it and show it at the same time 
> 
> BUT two things:  
> 1\. Suicide is never the only option if you feel that feel free to message me (or anyone you trust or a help line) to help sort through the options you do have 
> 
> 2\. Slight spoiler - this fic won't end with all doom and gloom and Death I promise

_Dear Andrew._

No, no. That wasn't right. 

_To Andrew._

That wasn't right either. 

What about, _Andrew_?

Still not right. 

Nicky sighed and shoved the pen and paper way from him, leaning back in the chair. He had been sitting at the desk for what felt like hours, trying to get these notes right. He had waited until Neil Andrew and Kevin left for their nightly practice before he started writing these. By his guess, he had about an hour, maybe a little bit longer, to finish these. 

Today was the planning day. He had spent the day gathering the things he would need. It didn't require much, having done this before it wasn't hard to find everything. Nicky decided to stay with the original plan. He would cut his wrists and wait to die. He knew how long it would take, how to speed it up. The biggest issue was was _where._ He wouldn't be able to get away from the tower long enough, not without someone questioning where he was going and why. The idea that he would have to do it in the tower did not sit comfortably with him. Yes,they had a bath and it was doable, yet he didn't want his team mates to be the one to find him. The one thing he could never figure out was the _after._ He wouldn't be around to clear up the mess of his suicide and he hated himself even more for leaving it for someone else to find. 

Nicky rubbed his face with his hand and sighed. It surprised him to find that there was a tremor in his hands. He needed these notes done. There were 7 notes to write, the other goodbyes he would do in person. There were a couple things he needed to apologise for, to make right, before he was gone for good. Sometimes he wondered if he should even say goodbye. Maybe it would be better if he just disappeared instead. 

_Promise me you will try._

The notes would have to do. This was his way of saying _I'm sorry. I tried and it wasn't enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Nicky got up and paced, thinking out the best way to word each of these notes. He shook his hands out as he paced, as if he could shake away the nerves he was feeling. Some would be easier than others. He would start with those, then work his way towards the notes for the twins. 

Sitting back down at the desk, he took a deep breath to steady himself. A glance at the clock said it was nearly 2am. He had to have this done within the next half an hour if he was going to be on schedule. 

Nicky cleared the rubbish from the desk, pulled out a fresh sheet of paper, picked up a pen with his still shaky hand and began writing. 

\--

Nicky woke the next day knowing exactly how the day would end. Well, how he /wanted/ it to end, at least.

He laid in bed and went through his plan again, making sure he has accounted for everything that could go wrong and everything that could go _right_.

Is this really what he wanted? 

_Yes._

_No._

The yes came too quick, his gut reaction. Nicky didn't know if this would be the right call, but he knew he didn't have any other options, any other choices. At least this way, he could fix things. Well, try to at least. The first thing on his list was to apologi to Neil. 

After dragging himself out of bed and going through the motions, it took half the day to figure out how to get Neil alone. 

"Hello everyone," Nicky said, dramatically walking into his room to find Andrew by the windows, Neil and Kevin at the table watching an exy game, and Aaron playing video games. "Ah, good. Neil, you're here." 

Neil raised an eyebrow, "I live here." 

"I need you to drive me to the shops," Nicky said as he walked over to Neil to pull him out of his seat. 

"It's Andrews car, ask him." 

"It's easier to ask you," Nicky huffed. "Andrew won't say yes and we are short on time," Nicky guided him to the door, "besides we are going for alcohol and ice cream. Andrew can survive without you for a moment." 

Neil gestured helplessly to Andrew, who flicked his fingers dismissively in response. Neil sighed and walked out the room, "fine I'll drive you. But next time, ask Andrew." 

_Next time._ Nicky tried not to let it show that he didn't want there to be a _next time_. A next car ride, a next meal, a next game, a next _day_.

He smiled, "i would have you know, I value myself enough to not want to be riddled with stab wounds." 

Neil huffed as they approached the car, "don't make me regret agreeing to this." 

They drove to the shops amidst pointless chatter on Nicky's end and Neil attempting to humour him on the other. Once they had all the ice cream and alcohol a small army would need to survive on, they paid and loaded the car. 

The drive back was quieter, with only Nicky's faint tapping of his fingers against his thighs breaking the silence between the two. It wasn't loud enough to drown out Nicky's thoughts. He needed to play his music on full blast, block out every sound. He needed to go to sleep and not wake up. He needed for everything to be quiet for a minute, or just a _second_.

He needed to apologise. 

"Hey Neil," Nicky tried to say as casually as possible. "I wanted to apologise." 

Neil glanced at Nicky, confusion on his face. "For what?" 

Nicky sighed, "everything? There's a lot I need to apologise for." He leaned his head against his head rest and closed his eyes. "Mainly, I wanted to apologise for drugging and kissing you against your will that first night in Columbia. I should have apologised for this a very long time ago." 

"That -" 

Nicky held up his hand, not bothering to open his eyes to see Neil's face. "No. Don't say anything. I know it was wrong of me. I should never have done it. I don't need you to say you forgive me or it's okay because I know it wasn't. There's nothing I can do to make it right or to fix it apart from say I'm sorry, and try to do better." 

_And stop existing. I can make it better by getting rid of the problem, route and all._

Neil was quiet for a while before finally saying, "okay." 

Nicky didn't open his eyes or say anything, until he felt the car pull to stop. 

"Neil?" He said, opening his eyes to see his reaction this time. "I would appreciate if you didn't tell Andrew about this." 

Neil's face was unreadable as he looked at Nicky, thoughts buzzing in his head. Nicky could practically see him thinking but didn't want to know what those thoughts said. He didn't want to know how much Neil hated him, how much he would prefer for Nicky to leave. 

Neil nodded and got out the car, grabbing some of the shopping. Nicky waited a moment, gathering the energy he would need to make it till tonight. He knew it was going to be hard, knew it was going to take a lot of energy to make it to the end of the day. 

_A few more hours. You can handle a few more hours._

Nicky got out the car and started counting down to his death. 

\---

"THIS IS BULLSHIT," matt exclaimed, chucking popcorn at the tv. "This doesn't work in the story. What were they _thinking_ " 

"Matt, honey," Dan said, kissing his cheek from her perch by his side. "It's just a film." 

Matt grumbled something in response, but Nicky was too far away to hear it. He had no interest in what the film was about. Instead, he had taken the time to look at the foxes and remember them. 

_This is the last time I'm going to see them._

Nicky was surprised to find that this made him sad. He loved the foxes with all his heart and would be sad to leave them, but he knew they didn't care for him. He knew they would all be better off without him. He knew it like he knew how to breathe. 

He watched them all enjoying the night. Matt, Dan and Allison had claimed the sofa, with Renee sitting by their feet. Neil and Andrew were sat on the bean bags away from everyone, yet close at the same time. Kevin and Aaron were sitting on the floor, both looking equally disgruntled at having to be there. Nicky was still standing after re filling his drink, just watching. He saw the casual glances Neil and Andrew gave each other, the way Matt looked at dan as if she was his world, the way Renee surveyed a room but had kindness In her eyes.

When he looked at all of them, he remembered how they all were when they first met. All of these people had come so far. They had fought tooth and nail out of their own personal hells, and Nicky was proud of them. He wished they would keep going and keep progressing. A part of him wished he would be there to see all of them grow into who they were meant to be, but he knew he couldn't be. He didn't have the fight left in him. He didn't want to be the thing stopping them from getting to stage. They would do better without his dead weight dragging them down. 

"Hey man," matt said turning to look at him. "You coming back?" He gestured to Nicky's still vacant spot in front of him. 

Nicky smiled and shook his head. "Alas I have to go," he said in the most dramatic way he could but he couldn't keep the sadness out of his voice. "So," he choked out, he needed to steadied his voice, "I will bid you all farewell." He downed his drink and made his way to the door. 

"Where you going?" Matt asked, a slight frown on his face. 

Nicky paused and said the first lie that came to mind, "Erik is skyping me in about 5 minutes. Gotta go make myself look pretty," he batted his eyelashes. 

_sorry for lying. Sorry for not being able to do this in a better way. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry._

"Tell him we say hello," Renee said softly. 

Nicky smiled, "I will. And thanks." 

Dan looked at him, confusion on her face. "For what?" 

Nicky shrugged. "Everything." _For being my friend. For even talking to me. For tolerating me._ "Mainly the food though. Enjoy the rest of the film," he waved goodbye and stepped out of the door before anyone could reply. 

He walked into to his room as quickly as possible. Once he was there, he leaned against the door and closed his eyes. 

He was really going to do this. 

He was really going to die. 

Nicky hemmick wanted to kill himself. 

Today was the day he stopped pretending otherwise and finally gave action to those thoughts. 

He gathered all the things he needed from where he had stashed them around the room, making sure everything was in place. Once he had all of his notes, his tools and his determination, he made his way to the bathroom. Once the taps were on there was nothing for him to do apart from lay out his notes and wait. 

He thought he moments leading up to his death would be...noiser. But this was the quietest his mind had been in a while. As if giving in to his thoughts had finally put them at ease. As if the darkness that was inside him no longer needed to bother anymore, because it knew it had already won. 

Once the bath was full enough he got in, getting his blades ready. He pushed up his sleeves and brought the blade to his wrist and he - 

Hesitated. 

_is this the only option I have?_

_is this all I can do?_

_is this the only way to beat this?_

All of the answers to those questions came with a too quick /yes/. 

Nicky thought about the room full of doors again, looking around frantically for one more option, any other option, just so he could die with he knowledge that he had tried. 

He had tried. 

But he had failed. 

Taking a deep breath, Nicky raised the blade to his wrist and he -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AM SORRY FOR HOW LONG ITS TAKEN ME TO UPDATE I had comic con then a load of other shit so I hope this will be okay I promis the next chapter will be up within the next week or so 
> 
> As always helpful and nice comments and kudos are always appreciated


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As was the same with the last chapter this one is also quite heavy with suicide-y stuff so be warned it should ease up a bit in the next chapter but just know if you feel the same way suicide isn't the only option there are other doors

Matthew Donavon Boyd knew it was like to need an escape. Be that drugs, a drink, a timeout or a death. So when Nicky said, "Alas I have to go. So, I bid you all farewell," he saw that need for escape, saw that he was planning something, and nothing good. 

Matt gave Nicky a minute before he followed him. Carefully, he came into the room - luckily Nicky hadn't locked the front door. After a minute of trying to work out where he could have gone, (the bedroom? Bathroom? Kitchen?) he heard a splash of water. 

_The bathroom._

Matt sped up and lightly knocked on the bathroom door, "Nicky?" He said softly. 

No response. 

He knocked harder. "Nicky, are you in there?" Urgency coating his words. 

"Leave me alone," Nicky said. But this didn't sound like Nicky. This sounded like a dead thing in its place. Any humour or warmth or happiness that had been in his voice, in him, was no longer there. Leaving only the empty words he heard now. 

Matt closed his eyes and tried not to let his panic consume him. "Nicky, I'm coming in okay?" 

Nicky didn't respond. Matt made quick work of getting in the bathroom, not caring about drawing attention. 

He smashed the door, having it swing wide, just in time to see Nicky drag a shaking hand in a quick line down his left wrist. 

Matt didn't think, just ran, bashing Nicky's hand away, grabbing the closest thing he could and wrapping it around Nicky's wrist. 

"Hey, hey Nicky," Matt said, his voice hurried, almost breathless. "Let's not do that okay?" 

Nicky tried to fight him off but Matt grabbed him in what would look like a hug from behind to anyone else, pulling him out of the bath. 

Matt collapsed on the floor, holding Nicky with his back against his chest, one hand holding a bandage, the other holding his free wrist against Nicky's chest. 

"Hey, hey, Nicky, it's okay, it's okay," he whispered to him. 

"Why did you come," Nicky said, still using his dead voice. "Why did you come, _why did you come._ " 

"Of course I would," Matt tried to reassure him, "you're my friend." 

Nicky stop fighting, taking in a big gulping breath before just... stopping.

"If you are done fighting," Matt said slowly, "I need to look at your wrist. Is that okay?" 

Nicky gave a small nod, flopping back against Matt as if all his energy had been drained. 

Matt pulled Nicky's left wrist toward him, unwrapping the towel he had grabbed to try and stop the bleeding. He gave a sigh of relief, it wasn't deep. He re wrapped he towel around it, holding it In place. 

"Nicky I'm going to take you to hospital."

_"No._ " Nicky yelled. 

"Nicky, you tried to kill yourself. This cut needs to be taken care of." 

" _No hospitals,_ " Nicky growled. "And don't get the twins. They _can't know._ " 

"Okay, okay man," Matt said, barely controlling his panic. "I'm taking you to Abby. No buts. No arguments. It's Abby or a hospital, okay?" 

Nicky didn't even respond. 

"I'm going to let go of you now okay?" 

Still no response, Matt frowned but let Nicky go. He stood up and helped Nicky to his feet. "Do you need a change of clothes?" 

The barest of nods, and Matt led Nicky into the bedroom and helped him change into a dry pair of clothes. After that, Matt led him out of his room, only stopping so he could pick up Nicky's notes. They got two steps out of the door before barely avoiding colliding with Dan.

Matt stopped, unsure what to say, if he should even _say_ anything. In his pause, Nicky hid his still bleeding wrist behind Matt’s back, a dopey smile on his face when he faced her. 

"Hope you don't mind Dan," he said, his voice imitating cheer. If he hadn't been the one to find him, Matt wasn't sure if he would believe that Nicky was sad at all. "But I'm stealing Matt here, we have some errands to run." 

Matt didn't respond. _He's been sad for a very long time. How long has he been planning this?_ he stared at Nicky, trying to link the two Nicky's he now knew existed together. He acted so _happy_. How did none of them realise it was just a front?

"Don't be too long," dan said, kissing Matt's cheek. 

Matt nodded, and noted the concerned expression she sent Nicky when she got back to Matt's room. She raised an eyebrow in a silent question _is he okay?_ , but Matt shook his head in answer, _don't ask and no but I got this._ Dan still had a frown on her face but went back to the other foxes. 

As soon as she was inside, Nicky had become the other Nicky, the sad one, the /true/ one. Matt grabbed his arm lightly and led him to his car. He didn't know what was happening, all he knew was he needed to get Nicky to someone who could help. 

\---

Nicky didn't say anything as Matt pulled up in Abby's drive way, but he could see how Matt's entire body was coiled with tension. He had been tapping his fingers on the steering wheel the entire drive over. 

Nicky didn't have the energy to reassure Matt that he was okay. 

_I failed. I failed. I failed._ was all that was running through his head. Everything else was irrelevant. 

He was dimly aware of Matt getting out of his truck, walking over to his side, guiding Nicky out of the car and to the front door. 

He was sure Matt knocked frantically on the door, calling for Abby. He thought he heard Abby gasp, when Matt explained what was happened, thought he saw the tears in her eyes when she sat him down on the sofa, pulling his arm out to clean and assess his cut, judging whether he needed stitches. Based on how long it was, Abby voted for stitches and was chatting to Nicky while she patched him up. 

He tuned her out. 

_I failed. I failed. I failed._

"Nicky i need you to respond to me, okay?" Abby said, concern in her words but her commanding voice drowning it out. It was less words and more sounds to Nicky. This was all unimportant. 

_I failed. I failed. I failed. I -_

"Nicky!" Abby yelled. 

Nicky turned and looked at her, her yell being the only thing to cut through the haze, but whatever she saw made her flinch, barely visible but there. 

"Nicky," she said softly this time. "I need you to tell me what happened." 

"I failed," he said, shrugging, not bothering to try and pretend to be okay. "Can I go?" 

"Nicky -" 

" _Can I go?_ " he said more forcefully. 

Abby huffed, anger more at herself than at him. "You can't leave the house, not till you talk to Bee." 

Nicky nodded, stood up and made his way to one of the bedrooms. He locked the door and got in the bed. Pulling the duvet over him, he just laid there, hoping everyone would forget about him and leave him be. 

_I failed._

_I failed._

_I failed._

\-- 

When Erik got a call from Matt, he feared the worst. 

The words _"Nicky tried to kill himself,"_ were ones Erik hoped he would never hear again. After the word _tried_ Erik was up, bolting for the door, pulling on a jacket and hoping he had his passport on him. 

Ever since he had left Nicky, he had spent the time arguing with his managers to let him have some more time off, or come to an agreement where he could work from America until Nicky had become more stable. 

They had almost come to an agreement. _Almost._ this would sway them, he knew, but he didn't care. On his way to the airport, he gave his manager a call telling her he would be gone a few weeks, assuring her he would keep on top of his work. All though this, the only thought that was running through his head was, _I need to get to Nicky. I should never have left._

By the time he landed in America, by the time he had reached Abby's house, it had been nearly two days since he had got the call from Matt. 

His Knock was loud and frantic. He was almost there. 

_Hold on, Nicky._

Abby opened the door, "Erik, good. You're here." 

Erik saw Matt sitting on the sofa, head raising at the mention of Erik. he was joined by Aaron, who was currently leaning against the back of the sofa appearing to be asleep, Andrew who looked bored as usual, Neil sitting by Andrews feet, one hand tapping his knee, and wymack who was sitting in a chair off to the side, one hand covering his face the other holding a now empty glass. The twins didn't respond to Erik coming in, the only acknowledgement being their gaze flicking to his, and Neil nodded at him in greeting. 

"Where is he?" 

"Before you go in, you need to know he hasn't moved or said anything since he came here." 

"Where is he?" He repeated. 

Abby led him to one of the bedrooms, giving him a quick assessment of his injuries. All Erik needed to know was that he was okay, but he wouldn't know that until he saw him for himself. "He's locked the door. He won't let anyone in." 

"May I?" Erik said, gesturing to the door. 

Abby gave him a skeptical look, but moved out of his way. Erik opened the door, picking the lock. 

"Do I want to know how you learned to pick locks?" Abby said, one raised eyebrow. 

Erik shrugged. "This isn't the first time Nicky's locked himself in a room." 

Abby nodded as Erik slipped into the bedroom, re-locking the door once he was in. 

Erik looked at Nicky, laying on the bed against one wall and facing the other. He could see the sadness etched on his face, the exhaustion and hopelessness all carved in the way he laid there, the way he breathed, the way he blinked. 

_I shouldn't have left. I should have tried harder. I should have come earlier._

_but you tried, and you are here now,_ another voice inside him said. 

Erik walked over to the empty side of the bed, laying down next to Nicky, so that they were face to face. 

Nicky didn't say anything, but his eyes met Eriks. 

"Hey," Erik whispered 

Nicky's face crumpled, tears filling his eyes, spilling down his cheeks even though Nicky tried to stop it. 

Erik didn't say anything, just pulled Nicky close, placing a kiss on the top of his head and holding him, rubbing his back as he cried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for the evil cliffhanger that I left you guys in so here have the next chapter although apologies it isn't great
> 
> As always nice comments + helpful feedback + kudos are v appreciate and usually make me go !!!!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per the standard warnings that come with tfc and like a fix revolving around suicide

Coach David Wymack knew two things. The first, this team would be the death of him. The second, he needed another drink. 

Matt had called him once he got to Abbeys, filling him in on the situation. He thought he had prepared himself for what he was walking into, but he knew he could never truly prepare for this. As soon as he came in, abbey reassured him Nicky was okay. Despite her assurances of his physical health, coach still worried about Nickys mental health. He hadn't let anyone into his room since he locked it. Coach wanted to break down the door, wanted to force Nicky to talk to them. But he knew Nicky needed time. So he was trying to give him some of that, at least. 

Once he had settled on the sofa, drink in hand, Matt had come shuffling over and handed him a stack of envelopes. 

It didn't take coach long to work out what they were. 

Coach set down his glass and flicked through the evelopes. 

_Dear Andrew._  
_Dear Aaron._  
_Dear Andrew and Aaron._  
_Dear Neil and Kaitlyn._  
_Dear whoever finds me._  
_Dear Foxes._  
_Dear coach._

His fingers hovered over the one addressed to him. 

"I didn't read them," Matt said quietly, sitting down on the seat opposite him. "It felt like an intrusion." 

"Even the one intended for you?" Coach asked as he ran his fingers along the envelopes, flicking through them wondering if he should read them. 

Matt nodded. "I wasn't sure I was..ready to see what Nicky had said to say goodbye. I don't want to see all the ways we could have, _should_ have, seen this coming." 

"Don't do that," Coach warned. "That's not on you. That's not on any of us. Yes there are signs and we could have noticed, maybe should have, but don't you blame yourself for not noticing. Nicky is very skilled at hiding things. Always has been. It's the first thing I knew about him. Don't you dare think this is yours or anyone's fault for not noticing." 

"But we still could have done something earlier," Matt protested. 

"You saved his life," Coach said. "That's enough." 

"A life he doesn't want saving," Matt countered. 

Coach shrugged, "he doesn't want it right now. Give him time to heal." 

After that, coach had torn open his letter, read the words and sighed. 

Now, it was two days later. Erik had come and finally got Nicky to talk to someone. Erik had got Nicky to come out of the hole he was in, even if slightly. 

Coach was still sitting, waiting, for anything he could do. Andrew, Aaron and Neil had joined them the day after Nickys attempt. Andrew and Aaron had tried to get Nicky to do _something_ when they first arrived, breaking into his room the moment they arrived, but when Nicky didn't even respond to them, they decided to wait instead. Coach tried to get them to continue their days as normal and not miss practice but he knew it was falling onto deaf ears. 

Now that Erik was here, everyone was done waiting. 

Aaron had fallen asleep on the sofa a short while ago, Matt not long behind him. Andrew and Neil were both still awake but neither were saying anything. Coach had done everything he knew he had to do, everything he _could_ do. But still, he sat. Still, he waited for Nicky to at least be responsive. 

Coach knew he had a team to look after, not just one person. But the hole Nicky was in was one he knew too well. He wouldn't leave him. Not yet. 

He took another swig of his drink, allowing the burning feeling of the alcohol going down his throat distract him for just a moment. 

The house was so quiet that a door being shut carefully was enough to rouse everyone from their sleep or stoic states. When Erik walked into the kitchen, all eyes were on him. 

Erik rubbed his face. "He's doing better," he said as he walked over to the cupboard, pulling out a glass. "Not great but.." he shrugged. 

The twins got up, ready to go. Coach held up a hand telling them to stop, then pointed at Erik. 

"You need a break," Coach said. He could see it in the weariness in his voice, the exhaustion following him like a shadow. 

"I'm fine," Erik said defensively. 

Matt snorted. 

Erik glared at him, Matt muttered an apology. 

"Don't care. You need a break. When did you last sleep?" Coach didn't give him a moment to answer. "You stay here. Get some rest and some food. I need to talk to Nicky." 

Coach ignored any protests made by Erik, grabbed the notes and headed to the bedroom. 

He knocked on the door before letting himself into the room and closing it behind him. 

Nicky was sitting up in the bed, blanket wrapped around him. 

_Good. At least he's moved positions._

Nicky didn't say anything, only a slight hint at surprise that coach was there. Coach tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible,but the dead look Nicky was giving him was breaking his heart. 

_how didn't I notice?_

But he did. And he tried. 

The issue with these battles is the thing being fought isn't necessarily tangible. It isn't a physical thing like an abusive parent. It isn't a presence like the Ravens. This? This was all in your head. There was no way of knowing, of realising, that it is not right, not without being told. The issue with this enemy is that it invades you and festers, growing inside of you until you are consumed by it. You are cased In a seemingly impenitrible force that clouds your vision, blocking out all the good and focusing on the bad. But the thing with that casing, is that it can crack. It can break away and revel what's inside, what's been there the entire time. 

Coach hated that Nicky had gotten to this point again. Hated that he couldn't do anything for this enemy apart from be a support for Nicky. 

"What do you want coach?" Even his _voice_ sounded dead. It still had some life in it, just barely. But it was enough to work with. 

"What the fuck Nicky?" Coach said. 

Nicky closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard. 

"Can we do this another time?" 

Instead of answering the question, coach pulled out the notes. 

"This is all you left," coach said, trying and failing to keep the frustration out of his voice. 

He picked up the first one and tore it open. "Dear whoever finds me. I'm sorry you had to see this. I couldn't think of a better way to do this. Talk to Betsy Dobson if you need to. She's a sweetheart." 

He threw the note on the bed. 

Nicky had opened his eyes and was now staring at him. 

"Dear Neil and Kaitlyn. Take care of them." 

The note joined the other on the bed. 

Nickys throat bobbed. 

"Dear foxes. Win the games. Be the best. You already _are_ the best. Make everyone else see it too. I Hope you will be able to win more games without me dragging you down. I'm rooting for you guys. You've all come so far and I can never tell you how proud of you all I am. Keep doing better. Keep improving." 

He threw it on the bed. Coach gripped the other letters tighter. 

This one was already open. 

"Dear coach," he paused. He didn't need to look at this note to know what it said. He had already committed it to memory. "Thank you for everything you have done for me and the twins. I will always be grateful for you giving us a chance. I'm sorry I failed. Keep an eye on the twins for me." 

Nicky looked as if he was trying to burrow himself into the bed, trying to escape this conversation. 

Coach picked up the bext one. "Dear Andrew and Aaron," he began. 

" _stop._ okay?" Nicky yelled. "I get it. I failed. I can't even do this right. You don't need to read these back to me. I know what they say. I don't need to hear it again." 

"Oh, but I think you do." Coach said. He pointed to the stack of letters on the bed and the ones remaining in his hands. "See these? All of these? They are the people you were planning on leaving behind. All the people who care about you. All these people are in your life. They are your _family._ " 

Nicky gave a half hearted laugh. "Coach, we all know I care about everyone else more than they care about me. The truth is everyone would be better without me as a burden." 

"If that were true," coach said slowly. "Why is it that Andrew and Aaron haven't left this house yet. If they don't care about you at all, why did they stay?" 

Nicky looked shocked. "I- " 

"Look, Nicky. I know what it's like," coach confessed. "I've been where you are. I know what you are seeing. What you are _feeling._ This isn't all there is. It isn't going to be like this forever. You can get out of it. But _fuck_ Nicky, you need to let us help you help yourself. It is going to be difficult. It is going to be hard. It's going to seem impossible at times. But you are a fox. You wouldn't be here if life was easy. And if my foxes are good at anything it's _trying._ that's all I'm asking okay? Try. Do your best. Use us. Lean on us. We are your family. We want to see you better." 

Nicky put his hands on his face and tried to suppress a shudder. He shook his head, as if trying to dispel the thoughts, the feelings. 

"What," Nickys voice broke. "What if I can't." 

Coach came forward and sat om the bed in front of him. "You can. You've done it before. You can do it again. On the days you can't do it alone, we will be here to hold you up." 

Nicky took a shuddering breath and tried not to cry. 

He fell forward, burying his face in coaches shoulder. Coach sat there for a minute, unsure what to do before he wrapped an arm around Nicky. 

"I'm sorry," Nicky mumbled. "I can't seem to stop crying." 

"You haven't let yourself feel for so long."

"I'm not used to this. I'm used to not feeling." 

"It's good that you are feeling," coach reassured him. "What do you need?" 

"I don't know," Nicky said after a moment. 

Coach nodded in understanding. He knew he couldn't do anything for him but support him as best he could. This was Nickys fight, all he could do was wait it out with him. 

Coach stayed with him until Erik came back, food and drink in hand. He stayed with them for a bit longer, figuring out what their next move was, how Nicky would move forward. It was decided that he would continue to play once abbey cleared him physically and he would go to two sessions a week with Bee, minimum. 

Coach knew this was as best as they could do right now. He wanted to do more, wanted to fight this thing _for_ him. But he knew he couldn't. Knew he had to let Nicky do this on his own. But he also knew that Nicky was strong enough to. Coach knew there was that strength in everyone who faced this. They had the courage to face every day despite not wanting to live it. They got out of bed, even if it took a few hours, days, weeks, they do it and they face it. They continued to do it, day in day out. They may not know it but somewhere along the line they chose life, even when all they thought of was death. It just took a while to realise that. 

Coach saw this in all his foxes, that strength. Even in the ones who weren't there anymore. They tried and they fought. That's all coach could encourage them to do, help them to do. He did what he could to push them towards winning that fight. But It didn't always work. He knew sometimes this did win, sometimes it took his kids from him. But they had still tried. They still fought. 

He didn't want to loose any more of his kids. 

Coach sighed as he sat back down in his chair, drink in hand again. 

This team was going to be the death of him.  
\------

Andrew was bored of waiting. He had been waiting for days now, waiting till he could talk to Nicky. 

_Talk._

He hated it. Didn't want to do it, shouldn't have to do it. But Nicky seemed incapable of figuring this out on his own. 

On some level he understood, he knew what this feeling was like, knew how damaging and painful and _lonely_ it was. But Andrew had so little patience and care for most things. 

For Nicky though? He waited. Andrew knew he needed some time. He didn't know exactly what Nicky needed from him, but he would try. He cared about Nicky, he did. He hated that he did, but it was a fact nonetheless. He was part of the family he chose, Andrew wasn't going to stand by and watch him destroy himself. Again. 

As soon as coach sat back down, Andrew got up. The movement woke Aaron, who joined him. They both made their way to Nicky's room, neither bothering to knock. 

They were greeted to a sight of Nicky laying his head on Eriks lap, Erik stroking Nickys hair. There was a pile of plates stacked on the beside table. 

"Hello," Erik said, speaking in german. "I think you two should come back later." 

Nicky rolled onto his back. "No it's okay," he replied also speaking german. He rubbed his face. "They have questions, probably. I might as well answer them." 

Erik tore his gaze away from the twins and looked down at Nicky, slightly frowning. "Are you sure?" 

Nicky nodded as he sat up. 

"Do you want me to stay?" 

Nicky gave a small smile. "No it's okay. This is not entirely your burden to bear. You need to rest and take care of yourself. Okay?" 

"Nicholas I am fine," Erik said, hand on Nickys face. 

Nicky leaned forward and kissed him. "Take a break. Rest. Focus on yourself for a bit. It can't all be about me. I'll be okay." 

Erik frowned. But he kissed Nickys forehead and got up. He stopped next to the twins, saying "don't be dicks." Before he left them alone. 

Andrew would have been offended that Erik thought they would be rude. He was just honest, it wasn't his issue that peoole didn't like the truth. 

Andrew and Aaron both had their gazes trained on Nicky. Nicky didn't say anything for a minute, before he sighed and said, "alright come here." He pushed the blanket out the way and made room for them. 

The twins joined him, sitting cross legged in front of him. 

Nicky was playing with the sleeves of his hoodie. 

Andrew was tapping his fingers against his knee. He needed a cigarette. Or a drink. Preferably both. 

Aaron kept shifting position, finally deciding on one leg dangling off the bed the other folded close to him. 

"So um," Nicky started, stumbling through the anxiety that was practically radiating from him. "Sorry for scaring you. If I did, that is. As you can see I'm fine. You don't need to worry, well I guess you wouldn't have anyway but -" 

"Nicky stop," Aaron interrupted. "You are rambling." 

Nicky closed his mouth and took a deep breath. "Right. Sorry." 

Aaron and Nicky didn't know what to say, choosing to sit in awkward silence instead. There was only so much of this Andrew could stand. He waited just long enough for it to be awkward before talking. 

"Dear Andrew and Aaron," Andrew recited. The first thing he did when he got to the house was check on Nicky. The second was to read the notes. "I am sorry. I don't know what else I can say to you both. I love you both so much and wish you all the best. I've seen you two grow. From when I came to look after you till now. You have both grown and started to heal so much. I am so proud of you both. I know one day you two will both be the people you are meant to be. You will grow to be who you _are_. My only regret is I wont be around to see it. But without me here, you two can reach that point sooner. You are both loved so much. Do yourselves a favour and try to get along with each other. I wish you two all the best and I'm sorry I gave up. I'm sorry I couldn't stay." 

Throughout this entire recital, Andrew watched as Nicky closed his eyes and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his head on them. Aaron had kept switching his gaze between Andrew and Nicky. Andrews gaze didn't waver. 

"What the _fuck_ Nicky?" Aaron yelled. 

Nicky didn't say anything, just opened his eyes and looked at the twins. 

Andrew kept tapping his fingers, waiting. 

_tap tap tap._

Still nothing. 

"Dear Andrew," Andrew continued. "I'm sorry."

Nicky flicked his eyes to Andrew, expression near blank. If it wasn't for the sadness in his eyes, it would have been a perfect mask. 

"Dear Aaron. I'm sorry. You deserved better than what you got. You both did. I should have helped you earlier." 

Nickys gaze didn't break from Andrews. 

_tap tap tap._

Nicky tore his gaze away, not looking at either of them. "I don't know what you want me to say." 

"I told you I don't like repeating myself." Andrew said, his voice sounding bored to everyone but him. He could hear the hint of frustration that coated his words. 

Nicky sighed. 

"Nicky," Aaron started. "What were you _thinking_." 

Nicky smiled. "I don't think you want me to answer that." 

"Yes I fucking do. You could have _died_." 

Nicky raises his eyebrows. "That was kind of the point." 

Aaron let out an exasperated breath. "You can't die," He said as he moved to sit next to Nicky. 

Nicky rubbed Aaron's back. "Don't worry," he said, with as much conviction as he could. "I won't die yet." 

He looked at Andrew. "You haven't said anything." 

Andrew flicked his fingers. "I've said all that I needed to say." 

Aaron snorted. 

Andrew glared. 

They all sat in silence for a moment. Andrew debated how much he could stomach telling them. How much they needed to know, how people could do this all the damn _time._

"You were the reason we were in the house," Andrew said slowly, raising a hand to silence both Aaron and Nicky. "But you cannot be blamed for drakes actions. Only he can." Andrew paused, swallowed. "Drake has been doing that since I was 12. I stayed because I wanted a family. I wanted to _belong._ Is it my fault if I didn't leave that family?" 

Nicky looked shocked. "Of course not. You couldn't control it." Nicky paused for a minute, realisation dawning on him. "Ah. I see what you are getting at." 

Andrew flicked his fingers in a gesture saying _you see. I was right._

Andrew stood up and headed to the door, pausing and turning before leaving. "Nicky don't die. You are still... needed." 

He didn't wait for the response, just turned and left the room, heading for the front door. On his way, he swiped the bottle from coach's hand, to minimal protest, while getting a cigarette ready with the other. 

Andrew sat outside the house, drinking and smoking until he could feel anything other than the twinge of worry he felt for Nicky. Not that he would admit it was there, but Nicky was family. And Andrew would do anything for his family. Even _talk_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next chap will probs be the last one and will feature Nicky and Aaron probably Nicky and Erik and the other foxes

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is so bad 
> 
> Leave comments and kudos if you would like more + have any helpful tips for me to improve ❤
> 
> Also I know his is proabbly ooc so advanced apology for this


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